Christmas Prep

 This year, I've had a hard time feeling grounded and settled. Part of it is that my healthcare has been a roller coaster (more on that below) and part of it has been the state of US politics. Both have had me feeling like I'm spiraling.

After being diagnosed with Axial Spondyloarthritis with a possible combination with Rheumatoid Arthritis back in April, I had a series of medicine trials to see if they'd help. Nothing did. I was in pain all the time. It wasn't severe all the time, but it was THERE. Sometimes it was really bad. All in all, it was pretty miserable.

Finally, my doctor decided to proceed with twice-monthly injections of the generic brand of Humira. I was concerned about the cost - Humira itself is over $8000 a month, and the generic isn't a whole lot cheaper. My doctor told me about cost-reducing programs that I could qualify for and reduce my cost to nothing. This begs the question of why it's so expensive in the first place, but I digress.

My insurance denied coverage of the generic, but said they'd approve on-brand Humira. This makes no sense, unless you look at it like the insurance company probably gets a pretty good chunk of a kickback with brand name drugs and not so much with generics. My doctor says it's all a big scam and I'm pretty inclined to agree.

I started the Humira and after about 8 weeks, I started noticing a big difference. I wasn't hurting when I woke up in the mornings, the nodules that had become quite large in my hand joints were shrinking, and I was able to stand for longer periods of time without my hip joints seizing up. I was ecstatic! Finally something was working, I had answers, and I was on the way to being able to live a more normal life.

Enter new job, which came with new insurance. I was able to get one last refill under my old insurance, and then the waiting game started with my new job. I knew I wouldn't be covered until October 1, so I'd made arrangements with my doctor to get a sample of the generic medicine to tide me over until I could get the new insurance in place. I tried for most of September to get in touch with someone who could get me my insurance information so that I could get the preauthorization process started. I wasn't having any luck at all. I finally emailed the HR director at my new job, and almost immediately got a pretty nasty response back and I should have contacted her to begin with, she could have helped me, blah blah blah. I didn't contact her initially, because how was I supposed to know that she had my insurance information?! I don't feel like that's a given. And every other interaction I've had with her has been not so positive. She's been very snarky and pretty nasty with me with questions that I've had. Hello, sorry I just changed jobs and am trying to familiarize myself with your procedures. OF COURSE I HAVE QUESTIONS.

Anyway, with that information, my doctor was able to get the process started to get preauthorization. Surprisingly, it came back pretty quickly and was approved. I was relieved. I could continue my medication without a whole lot of interruption. 

HAH

Not so much. I was able to get one month of Humira, and then when I went to refill on time, it was denied. The pharmacy (in Orlando, Florida) said that my insurance had said I already refilled for the month. I most definitely hadn't. Long story short, I won't be able to get my medication again until just before Christmas, so now I've been off for 2 months. It took that long to feel any relief when I first started, and I've regressed a lot. Those hand nodules are coming back, and it's been harder to use my hands. I can't stand for longer than a few minutes at a time, my joints are creaky and loud, and I wake up in pain every single morning. It takes almost an hour for things to feel better and for me to get going. UGH.

Add in the stress of a super contentious country right now, and faced with more of the same for the next four years, I was just done. I knew I needed to do something to bring hope into my life again, because I sure wasn't feeling it.

I decided to put up my Christmas decor super early (before Halloween O_O) because it always makes me feel centered and calm. It really has done the trick this year. Though I'm still going through the medical drama and I don't feel a whole lot of hope in the US right now, I *do* feel it in my home. Christmas has that effect on me and I love it.

My apartment smells like cinnamon, my tree is glorious this year, the farmhouse charm is all over the place, and I feel happy here. I love Christmas more than any other time and I'm happy to bring it around early this year.

Here's to a more hopeful future.

It's been a hot minute...

 I don't think I realized how long it's been since I last wrote! Yikes. The pattern settles in again.

In my defense, things have been bonkers. I had to move my classroom and get it set up, I moved apartments and have had to get all unpacked and settled, school started, parent teacher conferences, my dad had major surgery and was in the hospital for over a month, the election that gives me more stress than anything...the list could go on and on. Life caught up with me and it hasn't slowed down. 

I ended up starting my Christmas decorating way early this year. It's one of the things that can help me settle when I'm struggling, and boy have I been struggling. I'm hoping that things are on the verge of settling down and not settling in. Fingers crossed.

My new school is great. I really love it up in St. Anthony, and I really love my school. Obviously, it's not perfect, but it's really great. I have a really good team and fantastic administrators. I feel super supported and I'm finding my footing. My class is settling in and we've hit our stride. We're able to get a lot done and the kids are working hard. I've changed up a lot of the way I do things so that I could meet their needs better. We work super hard Monday through Wednesday, then Thursday mornings are math games. I get out games that reinforce what we've been learning and then we play. I've taught the kids a bunch of games that I used at Kennedy, and they love them! They're all working so hard to be able to play math games on Thursdays. I love it! 

One big thing that happened was that on election day, I was driving up to work. It had been snowing all night and it was cold enough to freeze. Once I got to the north Rexburg exit, the roads were icy. I slowed down and continued north. As I got further along, I heard my Grandpa Sonderegger's voice tell me "You stay in this lane. Stay in this lane no matter what." It shook me, but I listened. I am so glad I did. As I got closer to the county line, I was getting near the North Fork bridge. I saw a big black truck driving down into the median, and I thought for a minute that it was a police truck changing direction to head after someone. I thought that until it started spinning and then jumped the barrier and came right at me. I was terrified, but I kept my cool. I know it was because Grandpa was there with me. The truck came so close to hitting me that I could see the tread on the tires. It kicked up a pretty large debris field, and I did get hit by that. Looking back, there is literally only one way that I didn't get hit - God protected me. I should have been smashed. I would have died if I'd been hit. It was that severe. There wasn't a safe spot to pull over, so I called 911 as I continued north. It wasn't until I got to the construction south of St. Anthony that I realized that my windshield was badly cracked. There were little impact craters too, plus a lot of scratched glass. I need to get it replaced. 

That experience has had an effect on me for sure. It was so scary. I held it together until I got to school and then I broke. It was so hard to be there that day, but I also knew that if I went home, I'd be home alone with my thoughts all day and that wouldn't have been good. I stuck it out even though it was so hard. I've been trying really hard to reframe my thoughts when I drive past that bridge now. Instead of thinking of it as the place I almost died, I am trying to think of it as the place where my life was saved. I guess it's not my time to go. I'm glad of that. I'm not ready.

That's it, in a nutshell. I'm hanging on for dear life, but I *am* hanging on. This too shall pass.

Deadlines and roadblocks

 The last couple of months have been full of deadlines and roadblocks. I'm in my last term of grad school (for the second time - I know I'm insane for doing this twice) and I've hit so many brick walls. I had one class that had to be moved over to this term from the last, because I wasn't able to finish it in the term. So instead of only having my capstone projects to do, I had that class (and its 3 projects) in addition. I've been dealing with health issues for such a long time, and last fall, it all kind of came to a head. I just wasn't well and I was getting nowhere with doctors. (On the positive side, I finally saw a doctor who listened, believed, and got me in to someone who could help.) Grad school had to take a back seat.

I got the carryover class finished up, thankfully, and got started on my capstone. It's the compilation of research that I've conducted and an analysis of the data. I was doing really well! Then I hit yet another wall. In addition to the Axial Spondyloarthritis, I tested positive and have symptoms of Rheumatoid Arthritis. My doctor said I'm Stage 3, meaning that I've started developing nodules in the joints where my fingers attach to my palms. It's pretty gross, so definitely don't google. I did and I regret it. Damage is permanent, but progression can be slowed.

Over the last few weeks, I've been jumping through hoops and have spent HOURS on the phone with insurance, pharmaceutical companies, and doctors. I finally got everything done and approved, so I'm able to continue treatment. It means twice monthly injections, but the needle is so tiny that I can't even feel it. And, since I've been on samples from the doctor for the last month and a half, I think I'm starting to notice a difference. The nodules in my hands have actually shrunk a little. I'm hopeful that I can make it into remission, which would mean a much lower level of chronic pain. It's a future that I honestly hadn't considered, so I'm excited that it's even a possibility.

Anyway, all that to say that I've been so overwhelmed between health and grad school that I've neglected to do anything here. I know it seems to be a pattern, and honestly? It is. I'll do really well for a bit and then fall off. So really, this is just an update and a disclaimer that I'm definitely likely to drop off again. Such is life.

Ten on Tuesday #5

I've been thinking about what I could do for a top ten post today. I decided to go with the ten things I enjoy doing the most, in no particular order.

1. Reading. I love to read! I've been leaning towards ebooks lately, just because they're so easy, but I'm trying to get more hard copy reading in. I have so many books that I own that I haven't read yet, so I need to get going. I've been pretty consumed by other things the last couple of years, so I've fallen behind. I read every day, but not nearly like I used to. My goal is to change that and get back into the habit of reading more.

2. Watching nature documentaries. I adore the BBC! David Attenborough is my most favorite narrator ever, and I'll watch his documentaries over and over and over. I love learning about the natural world and what I can do to help preserve it. Nature is so fascinating, and while I don't want to spend all my time out in it, I love to learn about it. I guess I'm an armchair enthusiast.

3. Decorating. I really love doing home decor. My style has evolved into a French country look (surprise, surprise), and I find it so enjoyable to find new pieces. I like to find things that look vintage. I'm an old soul at heart, so I like an older look. I like candles, clocks, lamps, and flowers. I love lace and I even like ruffles. That's a huge departure for me, as I actively avoided anything with ruffles as I was growing up. Tastes change. I'm looking at moving into a new apartment (ground floor, because my poor joints aren't doing very well with the third floor) this year, and I can't wait to decorate it. Also, as a side note, I'm trying to get into a 3 bedroom place so that I can spread out a bit more. I love my apartment, but it does feel a little cramped because of all the books. My furniture feels cramped too, so it'll be nice to have more space. And I'll have an actual guest room!

4. Crafting. Now, I'm not a "crafty" person in the well-known sense of the word. I don't do toll painting (remember that?), scrapbooking, or stuff like that. I do needlework and sewing, and I do enjoy paint by number. I love to cross stitch and I have several projects lined up to do. I'd like to learn more embroidery and maybe even needle point. I really like to sew, and I've just purchased a new sewing machine. Mine is over 20 years old, and I've used it a lot. I use it every year to sew Idaho pillows for my students. The one I've purchased is a better machine, with more stitch options. I'm really excited to get it and start using it. Once I get moved in to my new apartment, my guest bedroom will also serve as my sewing room. I've wanted a dedicated sewing room for years, where I could have my sewing machine and supplies out and visible. I tend to forget I have things unless they're visible. I'll get a bed in the guest room, but then use the closet to put a sewing table in and have my machine set up. The third room will still be my office/library.

5. Organizing. Is it weird that I really like to organize things? I have spreadsheets for just about everything and I like to color code them. I like to have things in their place and know exactly where to find things that I need. I like to organize my bookshelves by genre and author, and my DVDs are organized by genre. My classroom is organized into sections based on what goes together, and my classroom library is organized by genre.

6. Cooking. This is weird, considering my eating disorder. But notice, I didn't say EATING. I still have issues with that. I do love cooking though. I love the smells of delicious things and I love plating dishes to look lovely. I enjoy the process quite a lot. I'm working hard on developing a healthy relationship with food, so I may actually start to enjoy eating one of these days!

7. Bubble baths. There's nothing more relaxing than a nice, hot bubble bath with a good book. I don't indulge in this hobby nearly often enough. I'm usually in too much of a hurry for anything more than a shower. That's something I'm working on too - slowing down to enjoy life rather than just live it.

8. Gardening. I currently have a wee flower garden on my balcony, and I love it. I love looking at my plants and wondering what they'll look like when they bloom. I love watching for the first peek of seedlings as they break through the ground. When my parents were on their mission and I was living in their house, I had a vegetable garden too. I planted WAY more than I needed for me, but I loved caring for that garden. I was out in it every day, weeding, hoeing, harvesting... It was amazing, and I long for the time when I own a home and can have a vegetable garden.

9. Canning. My mom taught me how to can when I was a teenager, and I've enjoyed it ever since. I love looking at the rows of beautifully preserved fruits and vegetables. I love knowing that my hard work paid off. I love feeling productive and I love opening a jar of food that I canned myself. I haven't done much canning over the last few years, but it's a hobby I mean to get back into. It probably won't happen this year, as I'm moving a classroom AND an apartment (hopefully an apartment). Moving bottled food is a pain in the behind, but next summer, when I'm settled in both places, I intend to fill my shelves again!

10. Traveling. I LOVE traveling! For someone with anxiety, that sounds a little strange. Getting into new places with people I don't know? That should be terrifying! I actually find that empowering instead. When I'm traveling, I don't feel the pressure to be a certain way. I can just be me and enjoy what I'm doing. Last year's trip to Europe was so refreshing and joyous. I loved every minute of it, even when I was beyond exhausted. I am planning to go back as soon as possible.

My goal this summer is to get into the habit of indulging in one of my hobbies each day, and not just the nature documentaries. I would like to do something creative every day, and I would like to continue that through the school year as well. I've been working hard to create balance in my life and take time to just be ME. I feel like as I get into the habit of doing that, my mental and physical health will improve, and I will be able to enjoy life rather than just living it.

It's the end of an era...or something

One year ago today, I was on my way to Paris. It seems like yesterday and also forever ago. Weird. I'd give anything to be on my way there again. Instead, here I am in Rexburg, waiting to get into my new classroom in St. Anthony. They don't get out of school for another two weeks, so I'm trying to be patient. It's not going well.

My Kennedy classroom has been emptied of all my things. It seems huge now, but desolate. It was hard to take down all the things I had up and pack things into boxes. It's hard to see everything stacked up at my parents' house. It kind of feels...untethered. I'm in limbo, and that's not a place I enjoy. I like to have things all mapped out, even if they almost never go according to plans. I like to think I have some semblance of control.

It's also kind of the end of an era. My fourth grade team taught together for seven years. We had things fine-tuned and working like a dream. We adjusted as we went, to meet the needs of our kids. We worked so well together. We were a machine! We joked with people that we were buy one, get two free. We knew it had to end at some point, but we wanted to end on our own terms. Here's a prime example of things not going according to plan. Oh well. It is what it is, and the upcoming change will be good for all of us. It's not like we'll never get together again. But if I'm being completely honest, I am floundering a bit. I need to get my feet back under me, and getting into my new classroom will help with that.

It'll probably be another three weeks until I can get in and start getting things set up. Until then, I am planting flowers and basil, working on deep cleaning my apartment, breaking in my new sewing machine (!), working on my cross stitch project that I've been working on for years, finishing my second master's degree (in Curriculum and Instruction), and reading. I'm getting into yoga to help with my autoimmune disease and I'm trying hard to get into a healthy eating pattern. Even though I'm not going anywhere this summer, I'm planning on making the most of it and enjoying my time.

Here's to a bright future!