Deadlines and roadblocks

 The last couple of months have been full of deadlines and roadblocks. I'm in my last term of grad school (for the second time - I know I'm insane for doing this twice) and I've hit so many brick walls. I had one class that had to be moved over to this term from the last, because I wasn't able to finish it in the term. So instead of only having my capstone projects to do, I had that class (and its 3 projects) in addition. I've been dealing with health issues for such a long time, and last fall, it all kind of came to a head. I just wasn't well and I was getting nowhere with doctors. (On the positive side, I finally saw a doctor who listened, believed, and got me in to someone who could help.) Grad school had to take a back seat.

I got the carryover class finished up, thankfully, and got started on my capstone. It's the compilation of research that I've conducted and an analysis of the data. I was doing really well! Then I hit yet another wall. In addition to the Axial Spondyloarthritis, I tested positive and have symptoms of Rheumatoid Arthritis. My doctor said I'm Stage 3, meaning that I've started developing nodules in the joints where my fingers attach to my palms. It's pretty gross, so definitely don't google. I did and I regret it. Damage is permanent, but progression can be slowed.

Over the last few weeks, I've been jumping through hoops and have spent HOURS on the phone with insurance, pharmaceutical companies, and doctors. I finally got everything done and approved, so I'm able to continue treatment. It means twice monthly injections, but the needle is so tiny that I can't even feel it. And, since I've been on samples from the doctor for the last month and a half, I think I'm starting to notice a difference. The nodules in my hands have actually shrunk a little. I'm hopeful that I can make it into remission, which would mean a much lower level of chronic pain. It's a future that I honestly hadn't considered, so I'm excited that it's even a possibility.

Anyway, all that to say that I've been so overwhelmed between health and grad school that I've neglected to do anything here. I know it seems to be a pattern, and honestly? It is. I'll do really well for a bit and then fall off. So really, this is just an update and a disclaimer that I'm definitely likely to drop off again. Such is life.

Ten on Tuesday #5

I've been thinking about what I could do for a top ten post today. I decided to go with the ten things I enjoy doing the most, in no particular order.

1. Reading. I love to read! I've been leaning towards ebooks lately, just because they're so easy, but I'm trying to get more hard copy reading in. I have so many books that I own that I haven't read yet, so I need to get going. I've been pretty consumed by other things the last couple of years, so I've fallen behind. I read every day, but not nearly like I used to. My goal is to change that and get back into the habit of reading more.

2. Watching nature documentaries. I adore the BBC! David Attenborough is my most favorite narrator ever, and I'll watch his documentaries over and over and over. I love learning about the natural world and what I can do to help preserve it. Nature is so fascinating, and while I don't want to spend all my time out in it, I love to learn about it. I guess I'm an armchair enthusiast.

3. Decorating. I really love doing home decor. My style has evolved into a French country look (surprise, surprise), and I find it so enjoyable to find new pieces. I like to find things that look vintage. I'm an old soul at heart, so I like an older look. I like candles, clocks, lamps, and flowers. I love lace and I even like ruffles. That's a huge departure for me, as I actively avoided anything with ruffles as I was growing up. Tastes change. I'm looking at moving into a new apartment (ground floor, because my poor joints aren't doing very well with the third floor) this year, and I can't wait to decorate it. Also, as a side note, I'm trying to get into a 3 bedroom place so that I can spread out a bit more. I love my apartment, but it does feel a little cramped because of all the books. My furniture feels cramped too, so it'll be nice to have more space. And I'll have an actual guest room!

4. Crafting. Now, I'm not a "crafty" person in the well-known sense of the word. I don't do toll painting (remember that?), scrapbooking, or stuff like that. I do needlework and sewing, and I do enjoy paint by number. I love to cross stitch and I have several projects lined up to do. I'd like to learn more embroidery and maybe even needle point. I really like to sew, and I've just purchased a new sewing machine. Mine is over 20 years old, and I've used it a lot. I use it every year to sew Idaho pillows for my students. The one I've purchased is a better machine, with more stitch options. I'm really excited to get it and start using it. Once I get moved in to my new apartment, my guest bedroom will also serve as my sewing room. I've wanted a dedicated sewing room for years, where I could have my sewing machine and supplies out and visible. I tend to forget I have things unless they're visible. I'll get a bed in the guest room, but then use the closet to put a sewing table in and have my machine set up. The third room will still be my office/library.

5. Organizing. Is it weird that I really like to organize things? I have spreadsheets for just about everything and I like to color code them. I like to have things in their place and know exactly where to find things that I need. I like to organize my bookshelves by genre and author, and my DVDs are organized by genre. My classroom is organized into sections based on what goes together, and my classroom library is organized by genre.

6. Cooking. This is weird, considering my eating disorder. But notice, I didn't say EATING. I still have issues with that. I do love cooking though. I love the smells of delicious things and I love plating dishes to look lovely. I enjoy the process quite a lot. I'm working hard on developing a healthy relationship with food, so I may actually start to enjoy eating one of these days!

7. Bubble baths. There's nothing more relaxing than a nice, hot bubble bath with a good book. I don't indulge in this hobby nearly often enough. I'm usually in too much of a hurry for anything more than a shower. That's something I'm working on too - slowing down to enjoy life rather than just live it.

8. Gardening. I currently have a wee flower garden on my balcony, and I love it. I love looking at my plants and wondering what they'll look like when they bloom. I love watching for the first peek of seedlings as they break through the ground. When my parents were on their mission and I was living in their house, I had a vegetable garden too. I planted WAY more than I needed for me, but I loved caring for that garden. I was out in it every day, weeding, hoeing, harvesting... It was amazing, and I long for the time when I own a home and can have a vegetable garden.

9. Canning. My mom taught me how to can when I was a teenager, and I've enjoyed it ever since. I love looking at the rows of beautifully preserved fruits and vegetables. I love knowing that my hard work paid off. I love feeling productive and I love opening a jar of food that I canned myself. I haven't done much canning over the last few years, but it's a hobby I mean to get back into. It probably won't happen this year, as I'm moving a classroom AND an apartment (hopefully an apartment). Moving bottled food is a pain in the behind, but next summer, when I'm settled in both places, I intend to fill my shelves again!

10. Traveling. I LOVE traveling! For someone with anxiety, that sounds a little strange. Getting into new places with people I don't know? That should be terrifying! I actually find that empowering instead. When I'm traveling, I don't feel the pressure to be a certain way. I can just be me and enjoy what I'm doing. Last year's trip to Europe was so refreshing and joyous. I loved every minute of it, even when I was beyond exhausted. I am planning to go back as soon as possible.

My goal this summer is to get into the habit of indulging in one of my hobbies each day, and not just the nature documentaries. I would like to do something creative every day, and I would like to continue that through the school year as well. I've been working hard to create balance in my life and take time to just be ME. I feel like as I get into the habit of doing that, my mental and physical health will improve, and I will be able to enjoy life rather than just living it.

It's the end of an era...or something

One year ago today, I was on my way to Paris. It seems like yesterday and also forever ago. Weird. I'd give anything to be on my way there again. Instead, here I am in Rexburg, waiting to get into my new classroom in St. Anthony. They don't get out of school for another two weeks, so I'm trying to be patient. It's not going well.

My Kennedy classroom has been emptied of all my things. It seems huge now, but desolate. It was hard to take down all the things I had up and pack things into boxes. It's hard to see everything stacked up at my parents' house. It kind of feels...untethered. I'm in limbo, and that's not a place I enjoy. I like to have things all mapped out, even if they almost never go according to plans. I like to think I have some semblance of control.

It's also kind of the end of an era. My fourth grade team taught together for seven years. We had things fine-tuned and working like a dream. We adjusted as we went, to meet the needs of our kids. We worked so well together. We were a machine! We joked with people that we were buy one, get two free. We knew it had to end at some point, but we wanted to end on our own terms. Here's a prime example of things not going according to plan. Oh well. It is what it is, and the upcoming change will be good for all of us. It's not like we'll never get together again. But if I'm being completely honest, I am floundering a bit. I need to get my feet back under me, and getting into my new classroom will help with that.

It'll probably be another three weeks until I can get in and start getting things set up. Until then, I am planting flowers and basil, working on deep cleaning my apartment, breaking in my new sewing machine (!), working on my cross stitch project that I've been working on for years, finishing my second master's degree (in Curriculum and Instruction), and reading. I'm getting into yoga to help with my autoimmune disease and I'm trying hard to get into a healthy eating pattern. Even though I'm not going anywhere this summer, I'm planning on making the most of it and enjoying my time.

Here's to a bright future!

Just some thoughts

Hello, May!

May is a time of chaos: field trips, programs, middle school tours, going through my classroom, choosing what to take and what to leave, selling things, packing an entire classroom, renting a UHaul, making arrangements to get into my new classroom, moving, last day of school...

Really, the list could go on and on. May is made for craziness. So many things going on and so many things to plan for. 

I have so many mixed feelings right now. I'm so excited for the change in districts coming for me. I'm excited for a new school and new friends. I'm excited to work in a different community.

At the same time, I feel bad about all the kids I don't get to teach here in Rexburg now. I will miss the ones I have taught. I will miss their families. I will miss seeing former students as we take current students on a middle school tour. 

Even though I have things I will miss, I have zero regrets. 

Zilch.

None.

Nada.

There comes a point in life where you decide to take charge of your future and not let others choose your path. When only your expectations get to be considered. When you refuse to let anyone make you feel less than or unnecessary. When you get to be excited to go into a place where you get actual prep time that is paid. When you get to wear jeans every day without having to pay for it. 

Really, it's the small things that make a huge difference. 

I am willing to take a pay cut for the small things. (I actually won't be taking a pay cut with my new job, but I *would* if it came to it and I got the environment I'm seeking.) The small things show you that you matter. 

I truly think that the things that have been going on this past year have been the push I needed to get out and move on. Change normally fills me with dread and massive anxiety, but this change hasn't done that. That's how I know it's absolutely the right thing to do at this time in my life.

I'm excited about what the future holds for me. I'm looking forward to the small things. I'm ready to live the next chapter of my life instead of just dreaming it.

Here's to a bright future!

Spiritual Sunday #2: Tender Mercies

I've been thinking a lot about tender mercies lately. If you're not familiar with this term, it's when something just falls into place and feels like a small blessing from heaven. I've gone through times where I feel like I'm not seeing any tender mercies and times when I see an abundance of them. I'd like to share something that started out feeling definitely NOT like a tender mercy and changed into one.

It's no secret that things at my job have been stressful this year. I've been open about that. I've struggled with a lot of physical and mental health issues in the past few years, and it seems like they've been worse this year. Add in the increasingly hostile attitudes towards teachers and public education, and it's been a very tough time. It's hard to be classified as the greatest evil in the country, when all you're trying to do is help kids reach beyond their potential and discover a love of learning. It's hard to see your profession being targeted in so many different ways. It's hard to see states passing laws that literally single out teachers and teacher unions, when other unions are left untouched. It is infuriating when a teacher who is shot by a six-year old is told that she can qualify for workman's comp because being shot is PART OF HER JOB. That's just ludicrous. (The teacher in question is suing her district for $40,000,000 and I hope she wins. Send a message that being shot and/or killed is NOT part of our job. Our job is to teach. End of story.) I don't understand why people who live out their lives in service to their communities are suddenly the devil. I am tired of being collectively called a groomer, an indoctrinator, a threat to society. It's ridiculous and blatantly untrue. I guess people need a boogeyman to blame so that they don't have to take responsibility for their own actions.

Last November, things really came to a head. I was feeling so discouraged about the constant pain I feel and the way education is going, and my mental health tanked. I've been seeing doctors constantly since my hysterectomy in November 2021. I've had so many issues since then, and the pain has increased significantly. It's not excruciating all the time, but it's ALWAYS there. It's like a level 3 every minute of the day. It's so wearing.

I was getting so discouraged by the responses I was getting. Literally every single doctor told me that I was experiencing the effects of menopause. I knew I was having *some* effects from menopause, but all of it? I kept seeking answers, only to be told the same thing over and over. I decided that it wasn't worth my continued frustration to keep seeing doctors. I pretty much gave up on ever feeling better again.

Then in November 2023, two years after my surgery, my mental health tanked. I felt like I was scraping the bottom of the barrel. It was so bad. I was contemplating harming myself, even going so far as to consider perhaps dying by suicide. I had a plan. I HAD A PLAN. Looking back, it's terrifying how close I came. As soon as I realized that I had the means to carry out my plan, I freaked out. I got rid of the medications I was planning to mix, and sought help. The counselors in my area have had a massive wait list since Covid, so I was worried that I wouldn't be able to get in. I knew I didn't have time to wait for the eighteen months it could take. Add in the eating disorder I have been struggling with, and it was a recipe for disaster. (I have atypical anorexia - I don't look anorexic by any stretch, so it's been very hard to get any help or anyone to actually believe me. I just don't eat when I'm alone. I have gotten very good at looking like I'm eating when I'm around people, but it's usually very little and I move food around on my plate a lot to make it look like I've eaten a decent amount. At home alone, I rarely eat. I have gotten extremely good at shutting down hunger signals. My body has gone into peasant mode, and hoards calories because I am literally starving it. Atypical anorexia is extremely dangerous because it doesn't look like anorexia. People struggling with this are statistically less likely to get help because no one believe them. It's deadly.)

I decided I was going to try and see a different doctor. I was going to beg for a referral to a therapist so that I could get the help I desperately needed. When I got an appointment with Dr. Rammell, I was honestly expecting the same thing I'd been dealing with for years. Instead, I got a doctor who spent almost two hours with me, going over literally everything I was experiencing. He listened. He took time to think about what could possibly be the cause. He never once said it was menopause. He said that whatever it was wasn't helped at all by menopause, but menopause definitely didn't cause what I had been going through. At that point, I began to cry. I couldn't help it. I was believed. I was listened to. I was going to get help. 

Dr. Rammell took a ton of blood for test after test after test. He poked and prodded. He listened to my organs and poked some more. He validated my fears about the eating disorder and said it was very brave of me to insist on getting help. He referred me to my current therapist. When my blood tests came back, he called me personally to tell me that I'd tested positive for autoimmune antibodies. I'd heard of autoimmune diseases, but I certainly didn't think I'd possibly have one. I knew basically nothing about them.

He went on to refer me to a rheumatologist who could drill down and accurately diagnose me. It took almost 6 months to get in, but I did. I'm now under the care of Dr. Scoville in Idaho Falls. My first appointment with him took two hours. TWO HOURS with a highly regarded rheumatologist. I couldn't believe it. It took him almost an hour just to question me about what I was experiencing. Then he did more tests. Blood work, flexibility, ability to walk, range of motion, etc. In the end, he said that I am a textbook case of the autoimmune disease Axial Spondyloarthritis (ASA). I'd never heard of that. Basically what it means is that my body is trying to fuse my joints. It starts in the SI joint, hips, mid to lower back, and chest. These are the areas I've had the most pain in. I've been experiencing chest pain for the last 2 years, and I've been to the ER twice in fear of a heart attack. Both times I was sent home with an anxiety diagnosis. I mean, I DO have anxiety, but it wasn't the only cause of my chest pain. To be fair, ER doctors don't have the time to get to an accurate diagnosis. They're there to treat the current issue, and then get you to someone else. In my case, I wasn't referred to anyone else because they really did think I was just having a panic attack.

Photo Credit: My photo of a painting by Yongsung Kim

My disease is incurable. I will have some level of pain for the rest of my life. I will have flare ups when it gets worse. The tender mercy comes in because I CAN be treated. I CAN have a better quality of life. I DO have hope for a better future. I am now on medication that helps control the amount of inflammation, which causes the fusing, which leads to the pain. I haven't noticed a difference in the amount of pain I have during the day, BUT, I have noticed a significant difference in the amount of pain I experience during the night. I've been waking up in pain multiple times a night for YEARS, and I have to get up and walk laps to calm it down. I haven't had to do that after the first week of being on the medication. It's been such a blessing to wake up feeling more rested.

Something that seemed so dire in the beginning actually ended up being a tender mercy because it led me to getting the mental and physical help I needed to push through and work towards getting well. I am in treatment for my ASA, the eating disorder, and some past trauma that hasn't ever been fully resolved. I am making progress! I am working on a better relationship with food and trying to eat small meals at regular intervals. I have started doing yoga because it's one of the exercises I can do (I can no longer do any jumping, twisting, vigorous exercise like Zumba because of the ASA). I am walking more because it's also something that I can do and that is helpful.

Tender mercies come in strange ways sometimes, and they're not always easy to recognize in the moment. In the end though, it becomes clear that what started as a disaster with the potential to turn into a catastrophe was actually a means to get help. God works in mysterious ways.