Craziness!!

 Today was the last day of school this year. My former district ended 2 weeks ago, so these last 2 weeks have been looooooooonnnnnnnng and torturous. Everyone (including me) was feral and ready to be done. We finally made it though, and wouldn't you know it, there was crazy involved.

I had a strong feeling this morning that I needed to get to school early. I woke up late, my morning was chaotic, but I just couldn't shake that feeling. So I left before I was entirely ready to go. I got to school about 10 minutes before I usually do. When I got to my door, I thought it looked blurry, and wondered if it was something wrong with my contacts. I opened the door, and a cloud of smoke and electrical fire smell washed over me. I was so scared!

I ran inside (maybe not the smartest thing I've ever done...) and opened the windows. Thank goodness for windows that open. I checked everything I had plugged in, and none of the outlets were hot and none of the cords looked burned. I unplugged everything anyway. I then ran to get our assistant principal (our principal was out today for his daughter's wedding) and she was able to get in touch with the head maintenance guy. Looking back, I wonder why we didn't call the fire department? I have no idea. I blame the last day of school brain.

When the maintenance guy got there within 2 minutes of our call, he went through my room too. He also found nothing, which was a huge relief. I was afraid that I'd plugged something in that was causing the problem. Whew! 

After he went through my room, he opened the utility closet between my classroom and one of my teammate's. He immediately found the problem. I learned that we each have our own furnace (who knew this school was so fancy!) and the control panel on mine had burned. It was burned beyond recognition. It was twisted grotesquely and looked horrifying. The guy told me that we were probably within minutes of flames. What. The. Heck?!

At that moment, my brain jumped to the feeling I'd had all morning. We were within minutes. MINUTES. Hmmm...maybe like the ten minutes early that I got there?

I am SO glad I listened, even though I was having a *morning*. I'm so glad we were able to get to the problem pretty quickly. I'm so glad that we avoided flames. My classroom would have been destroyed, along with the thousands of dollars of educational things I have in there. Yeah, I don't have that kind of money to toss around, and because just about everything in the room is my personal property, the school insurance wouldn't have covered it and I'd be out of luck. I'm definitely thinking about classroom insurance, if that's a thing.

We were unable to use the classroom for the planned activities. It was still smokey and the smell was awful. Maintenance brought in big fans to suck the smoke out, so that cleared pretty quickly. But the smell didn't lessen at all. Ugh. I'm afraid that a lot of things will need a trip to the cleaner. I have a bunch of Idaho pillows that I made while teaching fourth grade, and they weren't in my office. Nothing in my office was affected because the door was closed and apparently it has a decent seal. But the pillows are on top of the cupboards out in the classroom, so they'll have picked up the electrical fire smell. UGH.

All things considered though, a trip to the dry cleaner for my pillows is a small price to pay considering what could have happened.

I hope I always stop and listen when those thoughts pop up.

Summer Plans

 Summer is quickly approaching. My last day of school is June 6, which feels like forever away! I bet it'll come quickly though. My team has a lot of fun things planned for the last week of school. Our third graders are going to love it! 

Monday is Harry Potter Day. We'll sort our students into the four Hogwarts houses and do fun rotations. Then they get to watch the first movie and have treats. I spent today decorating my classroom for the event (we don't have school on Fridays) - I've got floating candles, flying keys, special cupcake wrappers and toppers, portraits, and a trail of mysterious footprints around the room. I'm excited to see my kids' reactions on Monday!

I think I'll probably crash on June 7th, and then I'm headed to California to visit my aunt and uncle, and then Nevada to visit my brother and his family. It will be so nice to get out of town for awhile. This year has been tough health-wise, and going down to third grade after so long in fourth was a hard transition. Developmentally, there's basically a canyon between the two grades. I had to remind myself all year long that the things that were driving me nuts were developmentally appropriate. I think next year will be better because I've gotten more acclimated to third grade. I have a lot of plans for next year to support a much higher level of learning. Fingers crossed that it all works!

I've got a little porch garden going, and my lettuce and spinach are looking fantastic. I need to replant basil, lavender, and catnip. I'm not sure why those didn't come up. I'm now living on the ground floor, so it's a little weird to hang out on my patio, but I may just sit out there and read anyway. 

I'm getting a cat after my vacation. I'm so excited about this! It'll be an emotional support animal. My therapist thinks that would be a good thing for me, and I have to agree. I tried once before and it was a disaster. Mostly because I rushed into it without a lot of prep and my cat was an elderly man who was very set in his ways. I'd had him for years, but he was an outdoor cat and used to having a lot of yard to roam around in. It ended up being a disaster. This time, I decided I needed to take it slower and really make sure I get the right animal. I've also got the cat furniture, toys, and other supplies set up in my apartment already. I figured it would be a good way to get used to the idea before it became a reality. It's feeling normal now to have all the cat stuff around. I can't wait until the end of June!

Of course, I'll spend some time working on new things for the next school year. I've got a ton of task cards to laminate and organize, along with writing conferences and finishing up an outline of my plans. I want to be super ready for next year and my new class. I'm considering flexible seating instead of desks, so I'm working on a DonorsChoose project grant. I hope it gets funded!

I want to read a lot more and get back into cross-stitching and embroidery. It's been hard to do those because it hurts my hands. I've got nodules growing because of the autoimmune diseases, and they hurt. Holding a needle is awful. But, I'm on a new medication (Enbrel) that I'm really hoping will help. I'd love to get back into my hobbies.

That's it for me. I'm looking forward to a relaxing summer!

Plans

 I have plans. Plans that don't include stopping for my autoimmune diseases. Plans that will help me maximize the enjoyment I can get out of my life as it is.

First, I'm making time for hobbies and things I enjoy. Things like cross stitching, learning embroidery, reading, baking, etc.

I'm learning how to make sourdough bread. I had my first successful loaf last week. I'm taking this week off, because I've had a nasty stomach bug. But the satisfaction of baking my first loaf was unreal! The thrill of seeing my creation baking up beautifully. The glorious taste of homemade bread that *I* made.

I'm learning how to do embroidery. I already cross stitch extensively, so embroidery is just another level. I'm leaning new stitches that are just lovely. I have plans for this hobby. Plans that include homemade gifts that will be meaningful rather than things that I happened to find online.

My hands hurt a lot of the time because of my autoimmune diseases, but I'm trying to still pursue hobbies. It gives me purpose.

Second, I'm getting a cat. I've been searching for the perfect fit cat, but all the ones I've hoped to go meet have been adopted already. That just tells me that my perfect fit is still out there. I'm ready to travel to pick up my perfect pet. I have several new candidates that I'm hoping I can meet. This cat will really be a lifesaver for me. An emotional support animal. My anxiety has reached what feels like catastrophic levels and I've got to have help. I can't be with my therapist 24/7, and I adore cats. This feels like the perfect solution.

I tried an ESA once before, and it was a disaster. There were multiple reasons, I think. My cat was an old man who was used to having the free range of the garage and huge yard at my parents' house. He'd never been an inside cat, and it was a very tough adjustment for both of us. I'd never had an inside cat, and I wasn't ready for one to be independent and do what he wanted, where he wanted. I've been discussing this at length with my therapist, and he's helping me to feel ready and prepared. It will be a bit of time yet, but it's coming sooner than I'd though possible. I'm very excited.

The school year is coming to a close rapidly. I can't believe April is nearly over. It's gone by so fast. This has been a tough year. Adjusting to a younger grade level has been hard. I taught third grade when I first started teaching, but then I spent 9 years in 4th grade. There's a huge difference between third and fourth graders. I wasn't ready for the changes. Plus, this group has been tough. They're not poorly behaved at all. We've hit a pretty decent stride for the most part. Motivation has been hard and the tattling...OH, THE TATTLING. It drives me crazy to hear the 'he looked at my funny' whines that I get all day long. It's times like that when I have to stop and remind myself that they are 8-9 years old and this is developmentally normal. It's definitely been an adjustment. Next year will be better because I'll at least be prepared for the differences.

Now I'm just trying to stay healthy (hah. easier said than done) I'm trying to find the energy to get anything done at home on the weekends. (How did I ever work a five-day week?!) I'll be seeing my rheumatologist in May again, and hopefully we'll be able to come up with a better plan. My meds are no longer working and the pain is getting worse by the day. I'm trying, I really am. It's hard. Invisible illnesses are devastating. People seem to think that because they can't see anything wrong, there isn't. But oh, there's so much. Having your own body be at war with itself is incredibly tough and exhausting. I'm trying.

Autoimmune diseases are the devil

I had a doctor appointment this week. 

I came out of it feeling overwhelmed, but also grateful. Grateful to have a team of doctors who listen and who are doing their absolute best to help me get healthy.

I am dealing with Axial Spondyloarthritis and underlying Rheumatoid Arthritis. Yes, it's painful. Yes, it's exhausting. Yes, there are days when I simply cannot function. Yes, by the end of the week I am absolutely drained. Autoimmune diseases take a toll physically and emotionally. 

I asked a question that I was expecting to get a 'no' answer on. Instead, I got a resounding YES and a definite point on the timeline when my issues started. Over twenty years ago. TWENTY YEARS. I have been undiagnosed for over twenty years. I have been laughed out of doctor's offices. I have been treated like a hypochondriac. I have been accused of being an attention seeker. Twenty years ago, I was a student at BYU (that long already?!) and I got mono. 

Turns out, mono can trigger autoimmune disorders. Before mono, I was incredibly healthy. I rarely got sick, and if I did, it was over quickly. After mono, I got sick all the time. Like, ALL THE TIME. It was more severe every time and it felt like it lasted forever. I knew mono could stick around in your system and flare up from time to time, and I felt like I'd experienced that several times. Which, I could have. But it's more likely that I was getting flares of the AS/RA even that long ago. 

When my doctor said it was absolutely connected, I started crying. I couldn't help myself. I was mourning for the Emily who got laughed at. Mourning for the Emily who was accused of things that weren't true. Mourning for a life spent in pain. I can't even imagine what my life could have been like if someone had listened to me instead of laughing at me. If someone had said let's figure this out.

I'm angry. I'm angry at the doctors. I'm angry at people who doubted. I'm angry at people who rolled their eyes and sarcastically said they never had to take sick days. I'm angry that I've missed out on SO MUCH. I'm angry that it apparently isn't enough that I have been living in hell for over twenty years, but I also get to do it alone. I'm angry at people who say that they're grateful for their trials. I'm angry at people who tell me I just need to find what it is I'm supposed to learn from this. I'm angry at people who suggest that I'm just looking for the bad in my life. I'm angry that I had to get to the point where I very nearly took my own life because of this before anyone would help me. 

At this point, I feel like I've earned that. I need to go through the anger. I need to be allowed to grieve for what I've lost in my life. For lost moments. Lost opportunities. Lost dreams. The grief cycle is very real and I feel like I'm experiencing it all at once. I need the time and space to go through it.

It's a lot to take in. I feel like the burden is so heavy right now. It's so hard to carry it alone. There are so few people who can understand. 

I'm so grateful that one doctor listened a year and a half ago. I'm so grateful that he did such extensive blood tests that it required 15 vials of blood! 15!!! I'm so grateful that he was astute enough to see that I desperately needed help. That doctor literally saved my life. I was at my very limit and he was my last resort. I wish I'd gone to see him so much earlier, but I'd been to doctor after doctor after doctor and I was exhausted of it all. This one doctor set me on a path that can take me to better health. I will never be cured. Unfortunately, that isn't an option for my diseases. BUT. I can get into remission. I can feel better than I have for half of my life. I can finally allow myself to feel some hope that there is a better path ahead for me.

Autoimmune diseases are the devil. But this devil can finally be put to rest.

How is it March already?!

 Holy cow, 2025 is flying. It's already March and I'm wondering what happened to January and February. Interestingly enough, January felt like it lasted two centuries while it was happening, but looking back, it seems like it wasn't even there. Maybe that's a good thing.

Here are some things that have been happening:

1. I finally finished a cross stitch project that I've been working on for years. 

2. I got some tools to make cross stitching easier. With my autoimmune diseases, my hands hurt a lot of the time, so cross stitching was nearly impossible. Plus, I can't see as well. So I got a magnifier light, a lap stand, and a large frame for larger projects. It's wonderful to be able to work on my projects!

3. I am learning how to make French macarons. My first attempt was actually not bad! 

4. I am also nurturing a sourdough starter named Edna. So far, Edna is not being very cooperative, so I'm trying to figure out how to proceed from here. I don't want to start over, but I might have to. I was hoping I'd be ready to make my first loaf of bread this weekend, but it wasn't meant to be. Hopefully this coming weekend.

5. I am holding firm with my boundaries. I get to work at 7:20 and leave at 4. There isn't a lot that I'll do at home, unless it's something simple like laminating/cutting. Having firm boundaries has been a game changer for me.

6. I am writing to my elected officials regularly regarding concerns...I have a lot of them. Honestly, the political climate in the USA right now is beyond toxic and scary. It's doing a huge number on my anxiety, and I'm having a hard time finding ways to cope. I'm back in therapy, and I'm also writing lots of letters. I am not going to give up on making my voice heard. 

I'm happy that I've been able to spend more time on hobbies this year, and I'm looking to start cooking more. I really enjoy cooking, but it's been very difficult these last few years with my diseases. Standing longer than a few minutes at a time is very hard and painful. So I'm trying to do what I can.