Christmas Prep

 This year, I've had a hard time feeling grounded and settled. Part of it is that my healthcare has been a roller coaster (more on that below) and part of it has been the state of US politics. Both have had me feeling like I'm spiraling.

After being diagnosed with Axial Spondyloarthritis with a possible combination with Rheumatoid Arthritis back in April, I had a series of medicine trials to see if they'd help. Nothing did. I was in pain all the time. It wasn't severe all the time, but it was THERE. Sometimes it was really bad. All in all, it was pretty miserable.

Finally, my doctor decided to proceed with twice-monthly injections of the generic brand of Humira. I was concerned about the cost - Humira itself is over $8000 a month, and the generic isn't a whole lot cheaper. My doctor told me about cost-reducing programs that I could qualify for and reduce my cost to nothing. This begs the question of why it's so expensive in the first place, but I digress.

My insurance denied coverage of the generic, but said they'd approve on-brand Humira. This makes no sense, unless you look at it like the insurance company probably gets a pretty good chunk of a kickback with brand name drugs and not so much with generics. My doctor says it's all a big scam and I'm pretty inclined to agree.

I started the Humira and after about 8 weeks, I started noticing a big difference. I wasn't hurting when I woke up in the mornings, the nodules that had become quite large in my hand joints were shrinking, and I was able to stand for longer periods of time without my hip joints seizing up. I was ecstatic! Finally something was working, I had answers, and I was on the way to being able to live a more normal life.

Enter new job, which came with new insurance. I was able to get one last refill under my old insurance, and then the waiting game started with my new job. I knew I wouldn't be covered until October 1, so I'd made arrangements with my doctor to get a sample of the generic medicine to tide me over until I could get the new insurance in place. I tried for most of September to get in touch with someone who could get me my insurance information so that I could get the preauthorization process started. I wasn't having any luck at all. I finally emailed the HR director at my new job, and almost immediately got a pretty nasty response back and I should have contacted her to begin with, she could have helped me, blah blah blah. I didn't contact her initially, because how was I supposed to know that she had my insurance information?! I don't feel like that's a given. And every other interaction I've had with her has been not so positive. She's been very snarky and pretty nasty with me with questions that I've had. Hello, sorry I just changed jobs and am trying to familiarize myself with your procedures. OF COURSE I HAVE QUESTIONS.

Anyway, with that information, my doctor was able to get the process started to get preauthorization. Surprisingly, it came back pretty quickly and was approved. I was relieved. I could continue my medication without a whole lot of interruption. 

HAH

Not so much. I was able to get one month of Humira, and then when I went to refill on time, it was denied. The pharmacy (in Orlando, Florida) said that my insurance had said I already refilled for the month. I most definitely hadn't. Long story short, I won't be able to get my medication again until just before Christmas, so now I've been off for 2 months. It took that long to feel any relief when I first started, and I've regressed a lot. Those hand nodules are coming back, and it's been harder to use my hands. I can't stand for longer than a few minutes at a time, my joints are creaky and loud, and I wake up in pain every single morning. It takes almost an hour for things to feel better and for me to get going. UGH.

Add in the stress of a super contentious country right now, and faced with more of the same for the next four years, I was just done. I knew I needed to do something to bring hope into my life again, because I sure wasn't feeling it.

I decided to put up my Christmas decor super early (before Halloween O_O) because it always makes me feel centered and calm. It really has done the trick this year. Though I'm still going through the medical drama and I don't feel a whole lot of hope in the US right now, I *do* feel it in my home. Christmas has that effect on me and I love it.

My apartment smells like cinnamon, my tree is glorious this year, the farmhouse charm is all over the place, and I feel happy here. I love Christmas more than any other time and I'm happy to bring it around early this year.

Here's to a more hopeful future.

It's been a hot minute...

 I don't think I realized how long it's been since I last wrote! Yikes. The pattern settles in again.

In my defense, things have been bonkers. I had to move my classroom and get it set up, I moved apartments and have had to get all unpacked and settled, school started, parent teacher conferences, my dad had major surgery and was in the hospital for over a month, the election that gives me more stress than anything...the list could go on and on. Life caught up with me and it hasn't slowed down. 

I ended up starting my Christmas decorating way early this year. It's one of the things that can help me settle when I'm struggling, and boy have I been struggling. I'm hoping that things are on the verge of settling down and not settling in. Fingers crossed.

My new school is great. I really love it up in St. Anthony, and I really love my school. Obviously, it's not perfect, but it's really great. I have a really good team and fantastic administrators. I feel super supported and I'm finding my footing. My class is settling in and we've hit our stride. We're able to get a lot done and the kids are working hard. I've changed up a lot of the way I do things so that I could meet their needs better. We work super hard Monday through Wednesday, then Thursday mornings are math games. I get out games that reinforce what we've been learning and then we play. I've taught the kids a bunch of games that I used at Kennedy, and they love them! They're all working so hard to be able to play math games on Thursdays. I love it! 

One big thing that happened was that on election day, I was driving up to work. It had been snowing all night and it was cold enough to freeze. Once I got to the north Rexburg exit, the roads were icy. I slowed down and continued north. As I got further along, I heard my Grandpa Sonderegger's voice tell me "You stay in this lane. Stay in this lane no matter what." It shook me, but I listened. I am so glad I did. As I got closer to the county line, I was getting near the North Fork bridge. I saw a big black truck driving down into the median, and I thought for a minute that it was a police truck changing direction to head after someone. I thought that until it started spinning and then jumped the barrier and came right at me. I was terrified, but I kept my cool. I know it was because Grandpa was there with me. The truck came so close to hitting me that I could see the tread on the tires. It kicked up a pretty large debris field, and I did get hit by that. Looking back, there is literally only one way that I didn't get hit - God protected me. I should have been smashed. I would have died if I'd been hit. It was that severe. There wasn't a safe spot to pull over, so I called 911 as I continued north. It wasn't until I got to the construction south of St. Anthony that I realized that my windshield was badly cracked. There were little impact craters too, plus a lot of scratched glass. I need to get it replaced. 

That experience has had an effect on me for sure. It was so scary. I held it together until I got to school and then I broke. It was so hard to be there that day, but I also knew that if I went home, I'd be home alone with my thoughts all day and that wouldn't have been good. I stuck it out even though it was so hard. I've been trying really hard to reframe my thoughts when I drive past that bridge now. Instead of thinking of it as the place I almost died, I am trying to think of it as the place where my life was saved. I guess it's not my time to go. I'm glad of that. I'm not ready.

That's it, in a nutshell. I'm hanging on for dear life, but I *am* hanging on. This too shall pass.