It's been a hot minute...

 I don't think I realized how long it's been since I last wrote! Yikes. The pattern settles in again.

In my defense, things have been bonkers. I had to move my classroom and get it set up, I moved apartments and have had to get all unpacked and settled, school started, parent teacher conferences, my dad had major surgery and was in the hospital for over a month, the election that gives me more stress than anything...the list could go on and on. Life caught up with me and it hasn't slowed down. 

I ended up starting my Christmas decorating way early this year. It's one of the things that can help me settle when I'm struggling, and boy have I been struggling. I'm hoping that things are on the verge of settling down and not settling in. Fingers crossed.

My new school is great. I really love it up in St. Anthony, and I really love my school. Obviously, it's not perfect, but it's really great. I have a really good team and fantastic administrators. I feel super supported and I'm finding my footing. My class is settling in and we've hit our stride. We're able to get a lot done and the kids are working hard. I've changed up a lot of the way I do things so that I could meet their needs better. We work super hard Monday through Wednesday, then Thursday mornings are math games. I get out games that reinforce what we've been learning and then we play. I've taught the kids a bunch of games that I used at Kennedy, and they love them! They're all working so hard to be able to play math games on Thursdays. I love it! 

One big thing that happened was that on election day, I was driving up to work. It had been snowing all night and it was cold enough to freeze. Once I got to the north Rexburg exit, the roads were icy. I slowed down and continued north. As I got further along, I heard my Grandpa Sonderegger's voice tell me "You stay in this lane. Stay in this lane no matter what." It shook me, but I listened. I am so glad I did. As I got closer to the county line, I was getting near the North Fork bridge. I saw a big black truck driving down into the median, and I thought for a minute that it was a police truck changing direction to head after someone. I thought that until it started spinning and then jumped the barrier and came right at me. I was terrified, but I kept my cool. I know it was because Grandpa was there with me. The truck came so close to hitting me that I could see the tread on the tires. It kicked up a pretty large debris field, and I did get hit by that. Looking back, there is literally only one way that I didn't get hit - God protected me. I should have been smashed. I would have died if I'd been hit. It was that severe. There wasn't a safe spot to pull over, so I called 911 as I continued north. It wasn't until I got to the construction south of St. Anthony that I realized that my windshield was badly cracked. There were little impact craters too, plus a lot of scratched glass. I need to get it replaced. 

That experience has had an effect on me for sure. It was so scary. I held it together until I got to school and then I broke. It was so hard to be there that day, but I also knew that if I went home, I'd be home alone with my thoughts all day and that wouldn't have been good. I stuck it out even though it was so hard. I've been trying really hard to reframe my thoughts when I drive past that bridge now. Instead of thinking of it as the place I almost died, I am trying to think of it as the place where my life was saved. I guess it's not my time to go. I'm glad of that. I'm not ready.

That's it, in a nutshell. I'm hanging on for dear life, but I *am* hanging on. This too shall pass.

It's the end of an era...or something

One year ago today, I was on my way to Paris. It seems like yesterday and also forever ago. Weird. I'd give anything to be on my way there again. Instead, here I am in Rexburg, waiting to get into my new classroom in St. Anthony. They don't get out of school for another two weeks, so I'm trying to be patient. It's not going well.

My Kennedy classroom has been emptied of all my things. It seems huge now, but desolate. It was hard to take down all the things I had up and pack things into boxes. It's hard to see everything stacked up at my parents' house. It kind of feels...untethered. I'm in limbo, and that's not a place I enjoy. I like to have things all mapped out, even if they almost never go according to plans. I like to think I have some semblance of control.

It's also kind of the end of an era. My fourth grade team taught together for seven years. We had things fine-tuned and working like a dream. We adjusted as we went, to meet the needs of our kids. We worked so well together. We were a machine! We joked with people that we were buy one, get two free. We knew it had to end at some point, but we wanted to end on our own terms. Here's a prime example of things not going according to plan. Oh well. It is what it is, and the upcoming change will be good for all of us. It's not like we'll never get together again. But if I'm being completely honest, I am floundering a bit. I need to get my feet back under me, and getting into my new classroom will help with that.

It'll probably be another three weeks until I can get in and start getting things set up. Until then, I am planting flowers and basil, working on deep cleaning my apartment, breaking in my new sewing machine (!), working on my cross stitch project that I've been working on for years, finishing my second master's degree (in Curriculum and Instruction), and reading. I'm getting into yoga to help with my autoimmune disease and I'm trying hard to get into a healthy eating pattern. Even though I'm not going anywhere this summer, I'm planning on making the most of it and enjoying my time.

Here's to a bright future!

Just some thoughts

Hello, May!

May is a time of chaos: field trips, programs, middle school tours, going through my classroom, choosing what to take and what to leave, selling things, packing an entire classroom, renting a UHaul, making arrangements to get into my new classroom, moving, last day of school...

Really, the list could go on and on. May is made for craziness. So many things going on and so many things to plan for. 

I have so many mixed feelings right now. I'm so excited for the change in districts coming for me. I'm excited for a new school and new friends. I'm excited to work in a different community.

At the same time, I feel bad about all the kids I don't get to teach here in Rexburg now. I will miss the ones I have taught. I will miss their families. I will miss seeing former students as we take current students on a middle school tour. 

Even though I have things I will miss, I have zero regrets. 

Zilch.

None.

Nada.

There comes a point in life where you decide to take charge of your future and not let others choose your path. When only your expectations get to be considered. When you refuse to let anyone make you feel less than or unnecessary. When you get to be excited to go into a place where you get actual prep time that is paid. When you get to wear jeans every day without having to pay for it. 

Really, it's the small things that make a huge difference. 

I am willing to take a pay cut for the small things. (I actually won't be taking a pay cut with my new job, but I *would* if it came to it and I got the environment I'm seeking.) The small things show you that you matter. 

I truly think that the things that have been going on this past year have been the push I needed to get out and move on. Change normally fills me with dread and massive anxiety, but this change hasn't done that. That's how I know it's absolutely the right thing to do at this time in my life.

I'm excited about what the future holds for me. I'm looking forward to the small things. I'm ready to live the next chapter of my life instead of just dreaming it.

Here's to a bright future!

Wrong.

Do you ever get to the point where it feels like literally everything that can go wrong is going wrong? That's me right now. Without going into details, it just feels like things are stacked against me right now. I could use all the good vibes I can get!

I didn't forget...

 I'm still working on my home decor project. There are a couple of things remaining and that are on the way. I'm getting anxious to show off my new stuff! I'm really loving the serenity it brings. I need that desperately, so it's amazing to have a home sanctuary I can retreat to. Home has always been a place where I could go and be safe, but it's more than that now. It's a place to recharge, a place to restore my sanity. I feel like I'm able to breathe and center myself. 

It's weird and also amazing how a place can do those things. I don't know that I've ever truly felt connected to a place (besides Paris, obviously), so this is new to me. I love it. I know I'll eventually have to move, but for now, I will enjoy my sanctuary and the ability to recharge.

Rubbish. That's me.

 At one point, I determined that THIS would be the year that I blogged consistently. Yeah, nope. This year has been HARD. There have been times where I wasn't sure I was going to continue doing anything, really. I've been exhausted, burned out, and still struggling with some pretty big health issues since my surgery last November. (Did I tell you that I had surgery? I can't remember. I had surgery in November and I'm STILL NOT WELL. Enough already.) Sometimes, we want to do way more than we're able, and that's where I'm at. I'd love to review all the books. I'd love to promote all the authors. I just can't right now because I'm hanging on by a very skinny thread that feels like it's going to break at any moment. So I guess I'm saying goodbye for now. I have hopes of reviving this at a later date, but no promises.

Disappeared?

No, I haven't quite disappeared. I've just been pretty preoccupied since...January. Okay, I've pretty well disappeared. Things have just been crazy, and I haven't felt the urge to write much. You'd think that it would be good for me to get it all out, but as many times as I've tried to sit down and blog, I've given up. The muse just hasn't been around lately.

Now, with all the craziness surrounding Covid-19, and school closures, and quarantines, and everything else, I...can't. I just can't write about all the overwhelm that I'm feeling right now. Some day, I will. Today is just not that day.

On being an introvert and a perfectionist...

Do any of you ever get that BLAH feeling and you just don't want to really engage? That's totally how I've been feeling about having much of a social life. I'm all talk these days. Let's go do something! We should get together! It would be fun to...

The list goes on and on. And I never follow through because I just haven't wanted to. I'm already an introvert, so going out after having already been out all day is just EXHAUSTING.

Okay, I know some people would not believe me for a single second about being an introvert because I'm SUPER GOOD at making people believe otherwise. Really, I could maybe make it as an actress if I only fit the current standard of beauty. Blah blah blah. Whatever.

No, I really am an introvert. When I get home, I am DONE. FINISHED. THE END. I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, interact in any way that requires actually speaking. I will sometimes text, but even that gets to be too much sometimes. It totally depends on the situation.

ANYWAY.

This all comes up because I am doing a Veteran's Day assembly at school on Monday, and I am DREADING IT. I shouldn't be dreading it. Veteran's Day is a super special day for me, and I always love talking about and honoring veterans.

Here's the thing: in addition to being an introvert, I am also a raging perfectionist, and the very thought of something not going as planned STRESSES ME OUT. Even though I know FULL WELL that I can't have everything work out every time. It doesn't matter. I still get super anxious about things like this because WHAT IF SOMETHING GOES WRONG. Something will go wrong. This is a given. Knowing this does not in any way lessen my anxiety about it.

I am only a perfectionist when it comes to myself. I have this weird obsession about HAVING TO BE PERFECT at all times, and I'm totally not, so I'm constantly stressed about not being perfect. I KNOW. Circular argument in every sense.

It's awful.

Other people don't have to be perfect, even though I'll be fully honest and admit that it stresses me out there too when people don't do it the way I would, but I'm pretty good at keeping my mouth shut and just stressing in private.

I'm working on it.

Online Dating...THE END.

Well,

Yeah, I'm done. Done with online dating, that is. 

If you've never had to do it, count your blessings. You may have no idea how HARD it is to meet someone normal, or at least less crazy than the last guy. 

You guys.

It's HARD. Seriously hard.

But, but, but...my best friend's cousin's neighbor met the love of their life online!

Fabulous! That's great! I'm happy for them!

THEY ARE NOT ME AND I HAVE A WEIRDO MAGNET, REMEMBER?!

I'm telling you, it's HUGE and probably invisible, but it's definitely there.

So the last time we talked, there was a PROSPECT. He said things pretty much exactly how I would say them, he had the same reading habits as me, and YOU GUYS. He was as nuts as they come.

Things started out fine. I went online to delete my account, because remember how I was getting only weirdos? I had a message from THE GUY and I was so excited and I didn't delete my account.

#REGRETS

So we started chatting, and all was going well, and we were thinking we should meet up soon so that we could determine whether or not to proceed. After my last experience with online dating (the time I was engaged to the probable serial killer), I knew I needed to be able to meet them in person and see if there was anything that threw up a red flag.

We made plans to meet on my way down to Utah. It would be easy for me to swing through Logan on my way to Provo, so that made the most sense. I was excited! I was going to meet an actual guy, and one who loved reading and World War II, and on paper, you guys, he was literally perfect.

Until the conversation continued.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Then he started talking about raging hormones. As in, he literally said I HAVE A MASSIVE CASE OF RAGING HORMONES GOING ON AND WHAT THE HECK AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO INFER FROM THAT?! I can tell you what I DID infer, but I won't, and you're welcome.

My mom thought maybe I'd opened the door to that one, because I'd said something about not being terribly experienced and it having been a long time since my last real relationship. Okay, I can grant that, but he SO did not have to come back with that. I was creeped out.

To be honest, the whole thing was starting to remind me of the serial killer, and I knew I COULD NOT go through that again. Not that this guy was a serial killer, or gave off those vibes, because he totally didn't. It's just that it seemed like it was starting to take over my entire day. This is not entirely his fault, because when he messaged, I responded. Excitement, y'all. But it got to be too much. WAY too much. I couldn't let that happen. I stopped responding, thinking that I'd get back in touch the next day (this was before the raging hormones came out). The last message I saw from him was "Have you been thinking of me during the hours we've been apart?" EWWWWWWWW. Not endearing AT ALL. Why are you suddenly turning into stalker dude?!

I didn't respond to that one, because I'd already decided to just not talk until the next day. But when I woke up, there were 43 messages from him. FORTY THREE. What the actual heck?! Why do I need to know what was on his mind at 2:37 in the morning?! No thank you. I didn't read a single one of them because I knew I'd have major regrets, and nope.

So I just didn't say anything and I deleted my account. I'm done with the crazy, you guys. DONE.

And in the end, I'm SUPER THANKFUL that I didn't give him any contact information. No need to change email addresses or phone numbers this time. WHEW.

June?

June appears to be about to suffer the same fate as May. In other words, passing by like a blur without me even taking stock of what's going on. Such is life, I suppose.

Just so that this doesn't quite happen, here's what's been going on in June.

1. Summer school. I'm teaching 4th grade for June, including some of the kids who were in my class. That's been fun. It's super relaxed and chill. I've really enjoyed it. We've been able to have a lot of fun in areas that aren't generally considered fun *coughwritingcough*, and that's been awesome. Kids have actually been excited to write! This almost literally NEVER HAPPENS to me because I get the lame trade no one wants to go to. Yay me. I've enjoyed worked with the other teachers I'm partnered with as well. Neither of them teach in my building, so it's been loads of fun to get to know them and learn things from them. I'm hoping to do this every year!

2. I've finished a bunch of books that have been awesome, okay, and not so fabulous. Perhaps reviews will be forthcoming. Perhaps not. Totally depends on time. I've got a week of school left, then a reunion, and then we'll see.

3. I JOINED A DATING SITE GUYS.

Like seriously, I did. I don't even know what I was thinking beyond feeling very tired of being alone and wanting to feel like I was being slightly proactive. This one is LDS (not church sponsored, just church standards {IN THEORY}) and so hopefully the quality of fellows is higher than on other sites.

Okay, I'm not exactly holding my breath for that, because I met my ex-fiance through an LDS dating site and I'm pretty sure he was a closeted serial killer, so...

Look, I'm just taking it slow and being careful. I've been very up front about what I want, what I definitely DON'T want (I'm allowed to do that, BTW. None of this garbage about 'you can go out with anyone at least once' this time. NO, I DO NOT HAVE TO DO THAT, THANKS FOR PLAYING BYE.) I had a conversation going with one fellow, and when he found out that one of my requirements was that he make at least what I make, he bailed. Then I looked closer and realized that he was pretty much unemployed, so YEAH. Not looking for a sugar daddy, and definitely not looking to be someone's sugar mama. He also wasn't cool with my politics, which okay, that's fine, but he felt like if I didn't worship at the altar of Trump, we wouldn't match well. That's probably a good thing to find out early, yo. Because I definitely don't worship there, thanks. We wouldn't have gotten along very well at all.

There are a couple of potentials out there, which honestly surprises me. One, in fact, is like me, only a dude. He reads multiple books at once! I've literally NEVER met a guy who does that. I'm hoping we click, because that would be amazing. We'll see.

And in the meantime, WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE AND WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA AND SAVE ME NOW

4. My classroom is almost completely ready for back to school in August. The benefit of teaching summer school and having college students working in the room is that they need teaching time. So while they're teaching, I get to work on other things. Of course, I'm keeping an eye on things and helping where I'm needed. BUT. The huge benefit is that I've been able to get all the little nitpicky things done already. I've updated a couple of decor things that I wasn't loving, printed out all my open house pamphlets, worked up a new substitute binder, made new spelling cards, etc, etc. I've gotten a TON done. Now I feel like I'm going to actually be able to enjoy the summer after school ends. Such a huge blessing! I'm totally not going in after this week until the week before school starts. I have about 800 people holding me to that, so it better happen.

5. I've been working on a major project to sell on Teachers Pay Teachers. Some people actually double (or more!!) their income this way. I'm hoping to get to that point. Right now, I'm creating a HUGE math meeting powerpoint, that is designed to fill the holes that our fancy curriculums don't quite fill. Things like calendaring, time, money, and fact practice. Our program is awesome, but it's lacking a spiral review almost entirely. And the basic skills are non-existent. I guess they felt like by fourth grade, kids wouldn't need those skills? Yeah. Not the best idea ever. So I'm filling holes. I'm also working on some data folder things for TPT, and a multiplication battleship game. In order to sell well, they've got to be all cutesy, and I am DEFINITELY NOT CUTESY, so this is a challenge. But I'm trying.

So there's June. All in all, it's been a pretty good month. Just a flash-by month. Life is good.

Look, we need to have a serious talk.

So this weekend has been kind of a raw one. (Note, not a BAD one. There's difference between raw and bad.) We had a beautiful discussion/council in Relief Society today about our mindsets and how we can change them. How we can combat Satan's constant whisperings that we're not enough. I had so many FEELINGS, y'all. So many. I actually took notes in church, which I literally never do. I should. I definitely should.

So the rawness actually started a couple weeks ago when I read a couple of Facebook posts from two women I respect and admire greatly. They were open and honest about what they saw as their shortcomings. They talked about their struggles to be "perfect," or at least to seem that way. I wondered how on earth women like that could have those feelings. Those are the kinds of feelings that *I* have because *I* am so imperfect. It's always seemed to me (inaccurately, let me add) that I'm just not to the 'good enough' point where I don't have to have struggles anymore.

Okay, let's address ALL THE WRONG things about that mindset.

1. Can we talk about how NO ONE is immune from struggles? 

CS Lewis said, "Life with God is not IMMUNITY from trials, but PEACE during them." (probably paraphrased, and emphasis added, but you get the picture)

I love that. It was mentioned yesterday in Time Out for Women, which I attended with my mom. SO incredibly uplifting. I've so often thought that if I could just be a little better at scripture study, or a little more fervent in my prayers, or a little more consistent at attending the temple, or or or or, then I wouldn't have the trials that I have.

That is SO FALSE. A dear sister pointed out today that we are spiritual beings having a mortal existence. A mortal existence comes with mortal trials. Our goodness doesn't dictate what those trials are going to be. My goodness shouldn't come with a side of forever single, yo. But it does. My goodness has nothing to do with my lack of a husband. It's just part of my mortal trial. It's something that's hard for me, but something I'm constantly learning how to deal with and still be happy. 

Some of my trials ARE because of my choices. I chose to not be as diligent in my exercise as I should have been when I was younger, and now it's harder for me to take up the habit. I've packed on more pounds than I'd like because of my own choices. That has nothing to do with my goodness. It has everything to do with my mortal choices. Am I paying a price? Yes, yes I am. Am I working to make better choices? Again, yes I am.


2. The idea that we have to be perfect is ridiculous. 

Okay, it's definitely ridiculous, but it's also incredibly prevalent. Women definitely suffer from it, men suffer from it, and so do children.

One thing that was said yesterday really stuck with me:

"We are all LOST and FALLEN, but we are KNOWN and LOVED INFINITELY by God."

There's got to be more power in that than in the idea that somehow I've got to be perfect in order for Him to take any interest in me. As a mortal being, I *cannot* be perfect. I cannot. I will ALWAYS make mistakes. I will ALWAYS fall short. I will ALWAYS think of things I need to do in order to be better. None of those things preclude me from God's infinite love.

When I can get that through my thick head, I feel so much better about myself and my progress. Sometimes it sticks, and sometimes it has to be ramrodded back in. Usually through a trial of some sort. #naturally

3. Shortcomings.

Ooh, this one really gets me. Like, REALLY GETS ME. 

I am SO GOOD about saying things like "this is who I am" and "I am beautiful as I am" and "I love myself for who I am" and then NOT BELIEVING ANY OF IT.

Seriously. It's like I'm constantly lying to myself about all these good things because I don't actually believe them.

Take this morning for example.

I bought a DARLING navy and white striped skirt at Time Out this weekend. I love this skirt so much. It has *gasps**horrors**sobs* HORIZONTAL STRIPES. Yes, you read that correctly. I bought a skirt (okay, TWO SKIRTS) with horizontal stripes. 

Why? Because I loved them.

BUT EMILY, GIRLS OF YOUR SIZE AND SHAPE SHOULD NOT EVER WEAR HORIZONTAL STRIPES BECAUSE FATNESS.

This is seriously my inner dialogue when it's being NICE to me.

Here's what it sounded like this morning when it wasn't being nice to me:

Me: *puts on navy horizontally striped skirt and goes to admire in the mirror*

Also Me: WHY ARE YOU WEARING HORIZONTAL STRIPES YOU FAT COW GROSS AND SICK AND VOMIT

Me: Well, I really love this skirt, and look how I paired it with a gray sweater and brown boots and isn't it just adorable?

Also Me: NO, NO IT IS NOT ADORABLE YOU GROSSNESS NOW PEOPLE WILL SEE HOW FAT YOU ARE AND ALSO GROSS AND PEOPLE AT CHURCH WILL KNOW HOW FAT YOU ARE

Me: Look, Also Me, if people at church don't already know that, they must not have very good eyesight. *throat punches Also Me and wears said skirt to church*

(Let it be known that when I got to church, here is what I actually heard: "Wow, I love that skirt on you!" "You have such great style! I wouldn't have known to pair those things!" "I think you're one of the women who SHOULD wear horizontal stripes!" Literal quotes, yo.)

Okay, humorous, but also very sad. Yes, I really do talk to myself like that. Yes, I do say the meanest possible things I could say that I would never say to any other person even if I hated them. Yes, I am verbally abusive to myself. THIS TIME, I throat punched Also Me and did what I wanted, but it doesn't always end well. Some days it ends in tears and not feeling like I'm worth even a tarnished penny.

Why?

WHY??!?!??!

It's because Satan has such a grasp on self-image. He's worked the idea that we all have to look a certain way and be a certain size into our versions of normal, so now it IS the norm. We look at ourselves, and if we aren't fitting into that vision, we don't fit at all.

How on earth is that okay? How have we let it become okay?

Guess what? My ideal self IS NOT A SIZE TWO. My ideal self DOES HAVE CURVES AND LOTS OF THEM. My ideal self WILL NEVER FIT INTO WHAT SOCIETY SAYS IT SHOULD BE.

I have to be okay with that. I have to LEARN how to be okay with that, because it's no longer innate to be okay with less than what society says is perfect. I think it was, at one point. I think when I (and all of us) was a child, it was easy to accept myself and to know that God loves me and to know that He doesn't care that my thighs will never have a fashionable gap between them. He DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT SO MUCH MORE. Does this mean that I get a pass on taking care of myself? NO. That is not what I'm saying at all. In fact, I AM working to lose weight. I AM working to get strong and healthy. But it's because I need to do that for ME, and not because I'm trying to reach something unattainable.

God doesn't love me because of my size, or in spite of it. He just loves me because I am His child. He recognizes in me the Godly attributes that He gave me, even when I don't recognize them myself. He sees the potential in me that He gave me, even when I am not living up to it.

There's so much more to life than trying to just not live up to my perceived shortcomings.

I really want to share some of the quotations that I wrote down yesterday at Time Out. The theme was all about receiving personal revelation and hearing the Lord. I wondered if I even do that, and 26 pages of notes later, my mom said oh yes I do.

Here are some thoughts:

"I have been reserved for because I am MAGNIFICENT." (Raise your hand if you've ever really told yourself that you're magnificent. I know my hand is firmly DOWN. It shouldn't be.)

"God is in the details, even when it feels like He's not even aware."

"Look who showed up to be the pinata." (The Sistas in Zion are the literal BEST and I want to be BFFs with them. This is what they said after someone mentioned a snarky comment someone else had made to them when they arrived at an activity...you know the comments, "Oh, look who actually showed up..." You've heard them. Now I really want someone to say this to me because I know what I will say back.)

Live vertically - make your focus upwards, towards God, instead of horizontally, towards the world.

In speaking of Hagar in the Old Testament, who went into the wilderness with her son to die, "Sometimes God doesn't take away the wilderness. Sometimes He shows us the well." I love that one so much. It tells me that God isn't necessarily going to take away my trials, but He will show me a way to get through them.

As you SEEK to HEAR the voice of the Lord, TURN to the scriptures. Those are all action verbs. ACTION.

If God could help Moses, then God can help ME.

We are going to do something EXTRAORDINARY.  This was Emma Smith, speaking of the Relief Society.

STOP living beneath your privilege. This one took my breath away because I am guilty of totally living beneath my privilege. I need to knock it off and start rising up to my privilege.

Stop telling God how BIG your mountains are and start telling your mountains how BIG your God is. I love that one probably the most. No matter how big and impossible my trials may feel, they are NOT bigger than God and Jesus. They aren't.

God reveals Himself to us in our UTMOST NEEDS. In looking back over my life and my trials, I can most definitely see the hand of God in there. He really did lift me during those hardest times and He helped me get through things I didn't feel strong enough to get through.

Finally, Heavenly Father and Jesus LOVE ME, imperfect as I am.

Motivation

Ah, motivation. I sometimes wonder why that's even a word, because I seem to not really know what it means.

Honestly.

That's got to change though, because I'm learning that lack of motivation is REALLY unhealthy. I've been so stressed out and tired (read: exhausted) for SO LONG that I've lost all my motivation for pretty much anything. Sadly, that included regular exercise. I think the last time I took care of myself with any regularity was 6 years ago. SIX. YEARS.

That's a long time to be cruel to yourself.

No more.

NO MORE!!!

I'm taking back control, and looking for my motivation. Right now, that's in the form of my teacher bestie, Nikki. We decided that we were going to do this together and do it right. Both of us are the kind of people that when we get home, we are HOME. None of this go out and do other things junk. Nope, we're homebodies. So we chose to work out after school, in my classroom. We both really like Zumba, so that's what we're doing. (Coincidentally, it's also literally the only form of exercise that I've ever actually loved, and that's ever actually worked.) We just bring workout clothes, change in the bathroom, and then work out. So far, we're two for two, even though we BOTH tried to come up with an excuse to not have to do it today. But we persevered! We did it! I'm really proud of us, because this is kind of a milestone.

It helps me so much to have a buddy for things like this. A buddy to actually work out with, and a buddy to help me stay motivated to do the workouts. I can't wait to see where this takes us! (I'm guessing it's going to be into my skinny clothes box that's been sitting in my closet for the last 6 years...bring on those clothes!!)

Blobfish

This may be your first reaction upon getting to this post: OH MY WORD WHY ARE YOU EVEN WRITING ABOUT BLOBFISH WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO

Let's talk about that.

So a few nights ago, I wasn't sleeping very well. I don't know about you, but when this happens to me, my mind tends to wander into strange places. In this case, my brain started wondering about blobfish.

I don't know why. It's not like I'm fascinated by blobfish, or even know that much about them. (although, thanks to this middle of the night musing, I know a LOT more than I did.) I think they're weird for sure, but kind of in the way that you think your fourth cousin two times removed is weird. You just don't think about them that much, or at all.

So blobfish. Here is what I learned at 2:30 in the morning:

1. They only look like blobfish when they've been decompressed. This means that they're usually super deep-water fish and their shape holds up down in the ocean trenches. The only way they look like grumpy little old men is when they've been brought up out of the deep and then turn into blobs. They actually look quite normal when they're in their natural habitat. Huh. 

Here's an artist's rendering of what they really look like:

Photo: Wikipedia

2. Blobfish look like sad, bald old men when they've decompressed.

Photo: Twitter

3. There is an actual market for blobfish merchandise. I started wondering if you could get blobfish purses, and the answer is YES OF COURSE YOU CAN.

Because why not?

Photo: Google Image Search

You're welcome.