Uh, hi?

It seems as though my best efforts to keep up with blogging/journaling have yet again gone awry. Ah well. Onward and upward.

These last few months have truly been a struggle. I feel like that's basically the story of my life at this point. It's hard to feel like continuing to try is worth it. But here I am, continuing to try.

One thing that's been a huge blessing is that I've carved out time in every single day to engage in my hobbies. That's hard, because my hands don't always cooperate. It's really painful and difficult to do a lot of the things I enjoy, like stitching, coloring, and playing the piano. However, my mom saw a set of hand warmer/massagers and thought she'd get a set for me to see if they'd help my hands. Oh my word, they've been a miracle! They make it so my hands don't hurt as much and I've been able to spend more time enjoying my hobbies. I'm so incredibly grateful to my mom for this gift!

I got a piano! I've wanted one forever, but it always seemed so out of my grasp. First, because of finances, second, because I lived on the third floor for a long time, and finally, because of my disability. Things have been slowly changing, like a bit of a raise, moving to the first floor, and the hand massagers. There was still the matter of an actual piano though. But one ended up in the lobby of my school one day, and I asked what it was for. No one actually knew, and figured it had probably been donated or something. After some digging, we learned that it had been donated a long time ago by a former music teacher. I mentioned that if they needed to figure out what to do with it, I had the perfect solution - my house! My principal checked with the superintendent to see what the procedures were for passing it on, and there were no obstacles. So I now have a piano and I got it for free! I have loved playing and singing.

That's really all that's going on now. I'm getting ready for the end of the school year (it can't come fast enough!!) and prepping for next year. I'm ready for summer for sure and I'm looking forward to the break. I'm planning on getting a lot done around my home, playing a lot of music, doing a lot of stitching, reading, painting, and cleaning, and prepping materials for next year. I can't wait to be able to just be still.

A New, Fun Hobby

My sister gave me a super fun model kit for my birthday. I've seen these little buildings all over social media, and I've wanted to do one forever! So I've actually done two now and I had a ton of fun building them. I don't usually like puzzle-type things because you spend all the time to do them and then what? I'm not the type to glue them and hang them up, and I hate seeing my hard work go back into a box. So these were perfect for me.

Check them out!

I am honestly SO OBSESSED with these! They're so adorable and they look amazing on my bookshelves! I may need to do another one...

Plans

 I have plans. Plans that don't include stopping for my autoimmune diseases. Plans that will help me maximize the enjoyment I can get out of my life as it is.

First, I'm making time for hobbies and things I enjoy. Things like cross stitching, learning embroidery, reading, baking, etc.

I'm learning how to make sourdough bread. I had my first successful loaf last week. I'm taking this week off, because I've had a nasty stomach bug. But the satisfaction of baking my first loaf was unreal! The thrill of seeing my creation baking up beautifully. The glorious taste of homemade bread that *I* made.

I'm learning how to do embroidery. I already cross stitch extensively, so embroidery is just another level. I'm leaning new stitches that are just lovely. I have plans for this hobby. Plans that include homemade gifts that will be meaningful rather than things that I happened to find online.

My hands hurt a lot of the time because of my autoimmune diseases, but I'm trying to still pursue hobbies. It gives me purpose.

Second, I'm getting a cat. I've been searching for the perfect fit cat, but all the ones I've hoped to go meet have been adopted already. That just tells me that my perfect fit is still out there. I'm ready to travel to pick up my perfect pet. I have several new candidates that I'm hoping I can meet. This cat will really be a lifesaver for me. An emotional support animal. My anxiety has reached what feels like catastrophic levels and I've got to have help. I can't be with my therapist 24/7, and I adore cats. This feels like the perfect solution.

I tried an ESA once before, and it was a disaster. There were multiple reasons, I think. My cat was an old man who was used to having the free range of the garage and huge yard at my parents' house. He'd never been an inside cat, and it was a very tough adjustment for both of us. I'd never had an inside cat, and I wasn't ready for one to be independent and do what he wanted, where he wanted. I've been discussing this at length with my therapist, and he's helping me to feel ready and prepared. It will be a bit of time yet, but it's coming sooner than I'd though possible. I'm very excited.

The school year is coming to a close rapidly. I can't believe April is nearly over. It's gone by so fast. This has been a tough year. Adjusting to a younger grade level has been hard. I taught third grade when I first started teaching, but then I spent 9 years in 4th grade. There's a huge difference between third and fourth graders. I wasn't ready for the changes. Plus, this group has been tough. They're not poorly behaved at all. We've hit a pretty decent stride for the most part. Motivation has been hard and the tattling...OH, THE TATTLING. It drives me crazy to hear the 'he looked at my funny' whines that I get all day long. It's times like that when I have to stop and remind myself that they are 8-9 years old and this is developmentally normal. It's definitely been an adjustment. Next year will be better because I'll at least be prepared for the differences.

Now I'm just trying to stay healthy (hah. easier said than done) I'm trying to find the energy to get anything done at home on the weekends. (How did I ever work a five-day week?!) I'll be seeing my rheumatologist in May again, and hopefully we'll be able to come up with a better plan. My meds are no longer working and the pain is getting worse by the day. I'm trying, I really am. It's hard. Invisible illnesses are devastating. People seem to think that because they can't see anything wrong, there isn't. But oh, there's so much. Having your own body be at war with itself is incredibly tough and exhausting. I'm trying.

How is it March already?!

 Holy cow, 2025 is flying. It's already March and I'm wondering what happened to January and February. Interestingly enough, January felt like it lasted two centuries while it was happening, but looking back, it seems like it wasn't even there. Maybe that's a good thing.

Here are some things that have been happening:

1. I finally finished a cross stitch project that I've been working on for years. 

2. I got some tools to make cross stitching easier. With my autoimmune diseases, my hands hurt a lot of the time, so cross stitching was nearly impossible. Plus, I can't see as well. So I got a magnifier light, a lap stand, and a large frame for larger projects. It's wonderful to be able to work on my projects!

3. I am learning how to make French macarons. My first attempt was actually not bad! 

4. I am also nurturing a sourdough starter named Edna. So far, Edna is not being very cooperative, so I'm trying to figure out how to proceed from here. I don't want to start over, but I might have to. I was hoping I'd be ready to make my first loaf of bread this weekend, but it wasn't meant to be. Hopefully this coming weekend.

5. I am holding firm with my boundaries. I get to work at 7:20 and leave at 4. There isn't a lot that I'll do at home, unless it's something simple like laminating/cutting. Having firm boundaries has been a game changer for me.

6. I am writing to my elected officials regularly regarding concerns...I have a lot of them. Honestly, the political climate in the USA right now is beyond toxic and scary. It's doing a huge number on my anxiety, and I'm having a hard time finding ways to cope. I'm back in therapy, and I'm also writing lots of letters. I am not going to give up on making my voice heard. 

I'm happy that I've been able to spend more time on hobbies this year, and I'm looking to start cooking more. I really enjoy cooking, but it's been very difficult these last few years with my diseases. Standing longer than a few minutes at a time is very hard and painful. So I'm trying to do what I can.

Goals for 2025

 I sat down this weekend and made a list of things I wanted to work on for 2025. I need to make 2025 the year of ME. I am SO BAD at self-care, and it's taken a huge toll on me, both physically and emotionally. I want to have a healthier year in every way, in the hopes that I can manage my illness better.

Here's what I want to work on:

Study scriptures nearly every day

Save towards vacations

15 minutes of purposeful exercise

Less TV

More books

Less online shopping

Do more hobbies (reading, cross stitch, embroidery, sewing)

Cook more

Learn to make break and macarons

Pack actual lunch for work

Keep house clean and uncluttered

Weekly/monthly chores

Be social for real

Host monthly game nights with friends

I want to really focus on things that I know will boost me and give me a reason to look forward to each day. One of my favorite authors does something every year: begin as you mean to go on (BAYMTGO). I am going to make this my mantra and have a great year!

Ten on Tuesday #5

I've been thinking about what I could do for a top ten post today. I decided to go with the ten things I enjoy doing the most, in no particular order.

1. Reading. I love to read! I've been leaning towards ebooks lately, just because they're so easy, but I'm trying to get more hard copy reading in. I have so many books that I own that I haven't read yet, so I need to get going. I've been pretty consumed by other things the last couple of years, so I've fallen behind. I read every day, but not nearly like I used to. My goal is to change that and get back into the habit of reading more.

2. Watching nature documentaries. I adore the BBC! David Attenborough is my most favorite narrator ever, and I'll watch his documentaries over and over and over. I love learning about the natural world and what I can do to help preserve it. Nature is so fascinating, and while I don't want to spend all my time out in it, I love to learn about it. I guess I'm an armchair enthusiast.

3. Decorating. I really love doing home decor. My style has evolved into a French country look (surprise, surprise), and I find it so enjoyable to find new pieces. I like to find things that look vintage. I'm an old soul at heart, so I like an older look. I like candles, clocks, lamps, and flowers. I love lace and I even like ruffles. That's a huge departure for me, as I actively avoided anything with ruffles as I was growing up. Tastes change. I'm looking at moving into a new apartment (ground floor, because my poor joints aren't doing very well with the third floor) this year, and I can't wait to decorate it. Also, as a side note, I'm trying to get into a 3 bedroom place so that I can spread out a bit more. I love my apartment, but it does feel a little cramped because of all the books. My furniture feels cramped too, so it'll be nice to have more space. And I'll have an actual guest room!

4. Crafting. Now, I'm not a "crafty" person in the well-known sense of the word. I don't do toll painting (remember that?), scrapbooking, or stuff like that. I do needlework and sewing, and I do enjoy paint by number. I love to cross stitch and I have several projects lined up to do. I'd like to learn more embroidery and maybe even needle point. I really like to sew, and I've just purchased a new sewing machine. Mine is over 20 years old, and I've used it a lot. I use it every year to sew Idaho pillows for my students. The one I've purchased is a better machine, with more stitch options. I'm really excited to get it and start using it. Once I get moved in to my new apartment, my guest bedroom will also serve as my sewing room. I've wanted a dedicated sewing room for years, where I could have my sewing machine and supplies out and visible. I tend to forget I have things unless they're visible. I'll get a bed in the guest room, but then use the closet to put a sewing table in and have my machine set up. The third room will still be my office/library.

5. Organizing. Is it weird that I really like to organize things? I have spreadsheets for just about everything and I like to color code them. I like to have things in their place and know exactly where to find things that I need. I like to organize my bookshelves by genre and author, and my DVDs are organized by genre. My classroom is organized into sections based on what goes together, and my classroom library is organized by genre.

6. Cooking. This is weird, considering my eating disorder. But notice, I didn't say EATING. I still have issues with that. I do love cooking though. I love the smells of delicious things and I love plating dishes to look lovely. I enjoy the process quite a lot. I'm working hard on developing a healthy relationship with food, so I may actually start to enjoy eating one of these days!

7. Bubble baths. There's nothing more relaxing than a nice, hot bubble bath with a good book. I don't indulge in this hobby nearly often enough. I'm usually in too much of a hurry for anything more than a shower. That's something I'm working on too - slowing down to enjoy life rather than just live it.

8. Gardening. I currently have a wee flower garden on my balcony, and I love it. I love looking at my plants and wondering what they'll look like when they bloom. I love watching for the first peek of seedlings as they break through the ground. When my parents were on their mission and I was living in their house, I had a vegetable garden too. I planted WAY more than I needed for me, but I loved caring for that garden. I was out in it every day, weeding, hoeing, harvesting... It was amazing, and I long for the time when I own a home and can have a vegetable garden.

9. Canning. My mom taught me how to can when I was a teenager, and I've enjoyed it ever since. I love looking at the rows of beautifully preserved fruits and vegetables. I love knowing that my hard work paid off. I love feeling productive and I love opening a jar of food that I canned myself. I haven't done much canning over the last few years, but it's a hobby I mean to get back into. It probably won't happen this year, as I'm moving a classroom AND an apartment (hopefully an apartment). Moving bottled food is a pain in the behind, but next summer, when I'm settled in both places, I intend to fill my shelves again!

10. Traveling. I LOVE traveling! For someone with anxiety, that sounds a little strange. Getting into new places with people I don't know? That should be terrifying! I actually find that empowering instead. When I'm traveling, I don't feel the pressure to be a certain way. I can just be me and enjoy what I'm doing. Last year's trip to Europe was so refreshing and joyous. I loved every minute of it, even when I was beyond exhausted. I am planning to go back as soon as possible.

My goal this summer is to get into the habit of indulging in one of my hobbies each day, and not just the nature documentaries. I would like to do something creative every day, and I would like to continue that through the school year as well. I've been working hard to create balance in my life and take time to just be ME. I feel like as I get into the habit of doing that, my mental and physical health will improve, and I will be able to enjoy life rather than just living it.