Look, we need to have a serious talk.

So this weekend has been kind of a raw one. (Note, not a BAD one. There's difference between raw and bad.) We had a beautiful discussion/council in Relief Society today about our mindsets and how we can change them. How we can combat Satan's constant whisperings that we're not enough. I had so many FEELINGS, y'all. So many. I actually took notes in church, which I literally never do. I should. I definitely should.

So the rawness actually started a couple weeks ago when I read a couple of Facebook posts from two women I respect and admire greatly. They were open and honest about what they saw as their shortcomings. They talked about their struggles to be "perfect," or at least to seem that way. I wondered how on earth women like that could have those feelings. Those are the kinds of feelings that *I* have because *I* am so imperfect. It's always seemed to me (inaccurately, let me add) that I'm just not to the 'good enough' point where I don't have to have struggles anymore.

Okay, let's address ALL THE WRONG things about that mindset.

1. Can we talk about how NO ONE is immune from struggles? 

CS Lewis said, "Life with God is not IMMUNITY from trials, but PEACE during them." (probably paraphrased, and emphasis added, but you get the picture)

I love that. It was mentioned yesterday in Time Out for Women, which I attended with my mom. SO incredibly uplifting. I've so often thought that if I could just be a little better at scripture study, or a little more fervent in my prayers, or a little more consistent at attending the temple, or or or or, then I wouldn't have the trials that I have.

That is SO FALSE. A dear sister pointed out today that we are spiritual beings having a mortal existence. A mortal existence comes with mortal trials. Our goodness doesn't dictate what those trials are going to be. My goodness shouldn't come with a side of forever single, yo. But it does. My goodness has nothing to do with my lack of a husband. It's just part of my mortal trial. It's something that's hard for me, but something I'm constantly learning how to deal with and still be happy. 

Some of my trials ARE because of my choices. I chose to not be as diligent in my exercise as I should have been when I was younger, and now it's harder for me to take up the habit. I've packed on more pounds than I'd like because of my own choices. That has nothing to do with my goodness. It has everything to do with my mortal choices. Am I paying a price? Yes, yes I am. Am I working to make better choices? Again, yes I am.


2. The idea that we have to be perfect is ridiculous. 

Okay, it's definitely ridiculous, but it's also incredibly prevalent. Women definitely suffer from it, men suffer from it, and so do children.

One thing that was said yesterday really stuck with me:

"We are all LOST and FALLEN, but we are KNOWN and LOVED INFINITELY by God."

There's got to be more power in that than in the idea that somehow I've got to be perfect in order for Him to take any interest in me. As a mortal being, I *cannot* be perfect. I cannot. I will ALWAYS make mistakes. I will ALWAYS fall short. I will ALWAYS think of things I need to do in order to be better. None of those things preclude me from God's infinite love.

When I can get that through my thick head, I feel so much better about myself and my progress. Sometimes it sticks, and sometimes it has to be ramrodded back in. Usually through a trial of some sort. #naturally

3. Shortcomings.

Ooh, this one really gets me. Like, REALLY GETS ME. 

I am SO GOOD about saying things like "this is who I am" and "I am beautiful as I am" and "I love myself for who I am" and then NOT BELIEVING ANY OF IT.

Seriously. It's like I'm constantly lying to myself about all these good things because I don't actually believe them.

Take this morning for example.

I bought a DARLING navy and white striped skirt at Time Out this weekend. I love this skirt so much. It has *gasps**horrors**sobs* HORIZONTAL STRIPES. Yes, you read that correctly. I bought a skirt (okay, TWO SKIRTS) with horizontal stripes. 

Why? Because I loved them.

BUT EMILY, GIRLS OF YOUR SIZE AND SHAPE SHOULD NOT EVER WEAR HORIZONTAL STRIPES BECAUSE FATNESS.

This is seriously my inner dialogue when it's being NICE to me.

Here's what it sounded like this morning when it wasn't being nice to me:

Me: *puts on navy horizontally striped skirt and goes to admire in the mirror*

Also Me: WHY ARE YOU WEARING HORIZONTAL STRIPES YOU FAT COW GROSS AND SICK AND VOMIT

Me: Well, I really love this skirt, and look how I paired it with a gray sweater and brown boots and isn't it just adorable?

Also Me: NO, NO IT IS NOT ADORABLE YOU GROSSNESS NOW PEOPLE WILL SEE HOW FAT YOU ARE AND ALSO GROSS AND PEOPLE AT CHURCH WILL KNOW HOW FAT YOU ARE

Me: Look, Also Me, if people at church don't already know that, they must not have very good eyesight. *throat punches Also Me and wears said skirt to church*

(Let it be known that when I got to church, here is what I actually heard: "Wow, I love that skirt on you!" "You have such great style! I wouldn't have known to pair those things!" "I think you're one of the women who SHOULD wear horizontal stripes!" Literal quotes, yo.)

Okay, humorous, but also very sad. Yes, I really do talk to myself like that. Yes, I do say the meanest possible things I could say that I would never say to any other person even if I hated them. Yes, I am verbally abusive to myself. THIS TIME, I throat punched Also Me and did what I wanted, but it doesn't always end well. Some days it ends in tears and not feeling like I'm worth even a tarnished penny.

Why?

WHY??!?!??!

It's because Satan has such a grasp on self-image. He's worked the idea that we all have to look a certain way and be a certain size into our versions of normal, so now it IS the norm. We look at ourselves, and if we aren't fitting into that vision, we don't fit at all.

How on earth is that okay? How have we let it become okay?

Guess what? My ideal self IS NOT A SIZE TWO. My ideal self DOES HAVE CURVES AND LOTS OF THEM. My ideal self WILL NEVER FIT INTO WHAT SOCIETY SAYS IT SHOULD BE.

I have to be okay with that. I have to LEARN how to be okay with that, because it's no longer innate to be okay with less than what society says is perfect. I think it was, at one point. I think when I (and all of us) was a child, it was easy to accept myself and to know that God loves me and to know that He doesn't care that my thighs will never have a fashionable gap between them. He DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT SO MUCH MORE. Does this mean that I get a pass on taking care of myself? NO. That is not what I'm saying at all. In fact, I AM working to lose weight. I AM working to get strong and healthy. But it's because I need to do that for ME, and not because I'm trying to reach something unattainable.

God doesn't love me because of my size, or in spite of it. He just loves me because I am His child. He recognizes in me the Godly attributes that He gave me, even when I don't recognize them myself. He sees the potential in me that He gave me, even when I am not living up to it.

There's so much more to life than trying to just not live up to my perceived shortcomings.

I really want to share some of the quotations that I wrote down yesterday at Time Out. The theme was all about receiving personal revelation and hearing the Lord. I wondered if I even do that, and 26 pages of notes later, my mom said oh yes I do.

Here are some thoughts:

"I have been reserved for because I am MAGNIFICENT." (Raise your hand if you've ever really told yourself that you're magnificent. I know my hand is firmly DOWN. It shouldn't be.)

"God is in the details, even when it feels like He's not even aware."

"Look who showed up to be the pinata." (The Sistas in Zion are the literal BEST and I want to be BFFs with them. This is what they said after someone mentioned a snarky comment someone else had made to them when they arrived at an activity...you know the comments, "Oh, look who actually showed up..." You've heard them. Now I really want someone to say this to me because I know what I will say back.)

Live vertically - make your focus upwards, towards God, instead of horizontally, towards the world.

In speaking of Hagar in the Old Testament, who went into the wilderness with her son to die, "Sometimes God doesn't take away the wilderness. Sometimes He shows us the well." I love that one so much. It tells me that God isn't necessarily going to take away my trials, but He will show me a way to get through them.

As you SEEK to HEAR the voice of the Lord, TURN to the scriptures. Those are all action verbs. ACTION.

If God could help Moses, then God can help ME.

We are going to do something EXTRAORDINARY.  This was Emma Smith, speaking of the Relief Society.

STOP living beneath your privilege. This one took my breath away because I am guilty of totally living beneath my privilege. I need to knock it off and start rising up to my privilege.

Stop telling God how BIG your mountains are and start telling your mountains how BIG your God is. I love that one probably the most. No matter how big and impossible my trials may feel, they are NOT bigger than God and Jesus. They aren't.

God reveals Himself to us in our UTMOST NEEDS. In looking back over my life and my trials, I can most definitely see the hand of God in there. He really did lift me during those hardest times and He helped me get through things I didn't feel strong enough to get through.

Finally, Heavenly Father and Jesus LOVE ME, imperfect as I am.