More social media...

That one time when I deleted all my social media?

Yeah...I started a new Instagram account. 

I didn't want to stick with the old one, even though I had almost 1,000 followers. It wasn't fitting what I wanted out of social media, and I didn't want to stick around there.

This one, @the.elementary.atelier, is brand-focused. I'm rebranding my Teachers Pay Teachers store, hoping to turn it into a money-maker. I needed a huge update, and part of that was me realizing that in order to maximize my reach and potential, I needed to have social media again.

It's different this time. I'm not posting anything personal or political. It's teacher-related, TPT-focused, with bookish stuff mixed in. It's going to be a lot more cohesive, with elements that cross over between areas. 

I guess what I really wanted out of social media was a fresh start. Now I have it.

Social Media

I've done a thing over the last year and a half. I've deleted all my social media accounts. (Note: I don't consider Pinterest and Goodreads social media, because I'm not there interacting with people. They're just places for me to keep track of stuff.)

For me, social media became a huge burden on my mental health. It dragged me down and kept me there. I found that, for me, there was nothing redeeming about it. It aggravated me, made me feel less than, and made me want what I knew I couldn't have.

So it's gone.

I do not have Facebook. No Instagram. No Snapchat, TikTok, or Twitter.

You know what? I find that I don't miss it AT ALL. I've found time in my day to engage in hobbies like reading, needlework, piano, coloring, and crafting. I've found myself enjoying life a whole lot more and feeling a LOT less stress. I feel like my life is so much more enriching and engaging.

Deleting social media has been one of the best things I ever did.

Uh, hi?

It seems as though my best efforts to keep up with blogging/journaling have yet again gone awry. Ah well. Onward and upward.

These last few months have truly been a struggle. I feel like that's basically the story of my life at this point. It's hard to feel like continuing to try is worth it. But here I am, continuing to try.

One thing that's been a huge blessing is that I've carved out time in every single day to engage in my hobbies. That's hard, because my hands don't always cooperate. It's really painful and difficult to do a lot of the things I enjoy, like stitching, coloring, and playing the piano. However, my mom saw a set of hand warmer/massagers and thought she'd get a set for me to see if they'd help my hands. Oh my word, they've been a miracle! They make it so my hands don't hurt as much and I've been able to spend more time enjoying my hobbies. I'm so incredibly grateful to my mom for this gift!

I got a piano! I've wanted one forever, but it always seemed so out of my grasp. First, because of finances, second, because I lived on the third floor for a long time, and finally, because of my disability. Things have been slowly changing, like a bit of a raise, moving to the first floor, and the hand massagers. There was still the matter of an actual piano though. But one ended up in the lobby of my school one day, and I asked what it was for. No one actually knew, and figured it had probably been donated or something. After some digging, we learned that it had been donated a long time ago by a former music teacher. I mentioned that if they needed to figure out what to do with it, I had the perfect solution - my house! My principal checked with the superintendent to see what the procedures were for passing it on, and there were no obstacles. So I now have a piano and I got it for free! I have loved playing and singing.

That's really all that's going on now. I'm getting ready for the end of the school year (it can't come fast enough!!) and prepping for next year. I'm ready for summer for sure and I'm looking forward to the break. I'm planning on getting a lot done around my home, playing a lot of music, doing a lot of stitching, reading, painting, and cleaning, and prepping materials for next year. I can't wait to be able to just be still.

Oh hi, Fall!

Fall is my absolute favorite time of year. I love the changing colors, the crispness of the air, the smells...all of it. Hot chocolate season is in full force here, and I'm happy about it! 

Two weeks ago, I went on a drive with my parents up to the Palisades Reservoir in Idaho. We wanted to see the fall colors and we were not disappointed. They were gorgeous! We don't get a ton of red leaves here, so when you do see them, it's a glorious pop of color that stands out beautifully.

Here are some pictures:

The last two are my favorite. I love the contrast of the stormy sky with the beautiful fall colors. I may be alone in this, but I find a good fall thunderstorm incredibly calming. I can't explain it. I just do.

Happy Fall, y'all! I hope you enjoy the season as much as I do.

A New, Fun Hobby

My sister gave me a super fun model kit for my birthday. I've seen these little buildings all over social media, and I've wanted to do one forever! So I've actually done two now and I had a ton of fun building them. I don't usually like puzzle-type things because you spend all the time to do them and then what? I'm not the type to glue them and hang them up, and I hate seeing my hard work go back into a box. So these were perfect for me.

Check them out!

I am honestly SO OBSESSED with these! They're so adorable and they look amazing on my bookshelves! I may need to do another one...

Book Review: Into the Fire

It's been a hot minute since I've done a book review. If we're being honest, it's been a hot minute since I really felt "into" reading. I've been in a slump where I'd rather watch true crime than read. I've been reading, but not nearly like I used to. It's a hobby/habit that I want to spend more time with again...like a longtime best friend where we haven't seen each other for a long time, but we pick up right where we left off. 

Here's a synopsis from Goodreads: "As a former smokejumper, arson investigator Bri Tucker knows her way around fires. But after a mysterious blaze takes the life of a former colleague, Bri inherits a curious puzzle from him that raises questions about several fiery deaths. Someone, however, doesn't want her picking up where he left off in search of answers.

When she teams up with ATF Special Agent Marc Davis to solve the puzzle, the danger escalates. But will they manage to track down the person behind the mysterious deaths before their budding romance--and maybe even their lives--go up in flames?"

What a ride! I love a great romantic suspense story and this delivered. Bri reminded me of me a little-slow to trust, very independent, tenacious. Marc was a dream guy! Strong and intelligent, respectful and caring. This guy’s a green flag if there ever was one!

I thought I had the villain figured out pretty early on, then I was convinced I didn’t. In the end, I totally did. They were absolutely perfect. I second guessed myself the entire book, until the reveal. At that point, I felt like I knew it, but also like I didn't! They were very well-written.

Plot-wise, things were well paced. Sometimes, a thriller feels a little like whiplash where it's a constant go go go go go. This wasn't that. It's a story that held my interest the entire time without leaving me feeling breathless. (I mean, I did, but that's because Marc was divine.)

Fast paced, full of thrills, and a fantastically awesome story! I can’t wait to jump into the next book.

Covid...again.

So I got really sick over Labor Day weekend, while I was having a girls' weekend with my mom and sisters. I felt awful the entire time, but still did it. I didn't want to miss out!

Probably a mistake (that I don't regret), because I ended up missing all but one day of school last week. I felt horrible!! I went back to work this week, and I started feeling better. Well, this morning I woke up all congested, with a sore throat, and a fever. GOOD GRIEF. My fever spiked, so I ended up going to urgent care.

Turns out, I have covid. AGAIN. I've lost track of how many times I've had this stupid virus. I'm so sick of it! (no pun intended)

Ugh. My brother and his family are in town this weekend, bringing my niece to college (!), and I can't even go see them. 

SO. NOT. FAIR.

Labor Day

This past weekend was Labor Day weekend. My mom, my two sisters, and I have been talking about doing a girls' weekend for years. This year we decided to make it a reality. We met up in Pleasant Grove, which is halfway for all of us (except for Shelley, as she was hosting). We stayed up late, shared so much, had adventures, and played games.

Mom and I left right after school on Friday. We stopped to eat in Pocatello and ended up getting to Shelley's around 9:00. We missed all the bad traffic and made good time. I had a weird thing happen while I was driving though. We were just about to Salt Lake, and suddenly my eyes went all blurry. It was like I wasn't wearing my contacts! So scary, but thankfully it passed fairly quickly. 

On Saturday morning, we went to a session at the Mount Timpanogos temple. I have severe anxiety, and going to the temple is a huge trigger for me. Since my hysterectomy, I can't always tell when I need to go to the bathroom. Being in a place where I can't really get up and leave, and where I'm wearing all white isn't ideal for that. It's been so hard to go. I can't do it on my own. But I decided that I was going to try. It really helped to have my mom and sisters with me. It was still hard, and I fought off a panic attack partway through, but I did it. I made it. It was a nice experience.

Then we went to lunch at an old favorite (Kneaders) and headed to Midway for Swiss Days. We've leaned pretty heavily into our Swiss heritage and wanted to go experience Swiss Days. Midway is so charming! It's very easy to see why our ancestors decided to settle there when they immigrated to the US. It looks almost identical to our ancestral hometown of Balgach, canton of St. Gallen. Even the mountains surrounding it are reminiscent of the Alps. There are several homes there that my great great grandfather built. Last summer, my dad and I got to tour the biggest one as part of a family reunion. It was really special. We did learn that the style of these homes isn't Swiss - it's English!

Swiss Days wasn't all that Swiss. It was a little disappointing that there wasn't more Switzerland involved, but we had a nice time anyway. We did find a really sweet little shop with Christmas decorations from Germany. We all ended up with several purchases. I'm excited to get my tree out so that I can display my new things! We were hoping to have a knockwurst sandwich, which is very Swiss, but they sold out before we got to the line. I ended up having a Navajo taco (although they called it a Swiss taco - not a thing) and the others had a barbecue dinner. We were all pretty disappointed, to be honest. Oh well.

We visited a really charming bookshop that I'd like to go back to the next time I'm in Utah. It reminded me of my favorite bookshop, The King's English, in Salt Lake. Shelley hasn't ever been there, so that's in the plans as well. I love fun bookshops! This one wasn't in an old house, so it didn't have all the little secret rooms and passages as TKE, but it was still fun. I saw a couple books that I'm interested in reading.

When we got back to Shelley's, we watched Pride & Prejudice (Keira Knightley version, which we all love) and stayed up way too late again. We went to church the next morning, although I only stayed for sacrament meeting. I was sick the whole time. Still am. I only made it in to work one day this week! I hate being sick. 

Anyway, we fixed dinner together and went down to Springville to see if we could find an ancestor's grave. We couldn't. There was no record of it in the cemetery. We drove up Hobble Creek Canyon. It's starting to change colors, and it's gorgeous! Then we went back and played a super fun game. You sing a line of a song, which is recorded in an app. Then you play it backwards and the next person tries to sing the backwards part. Then you play it again and you see if you got close to the original. We had some recognizable words, but everything else was pretty jumbled. It was so fun! We laughed so hard.

Monday morning, we went and got pedicures together and then headed home. It was so much fun and I'm glad we did it. We'd like to make this an annual tradition. We all needed it and loved spending the time together.

First Week of School

Well, the first week of school is over. 

THANK GOODNESS.

I am whatever is beyond exhausted. My class is interesting. This week has been rough, but I'm hoping it's just the excitement of a new school year, new teacher, new classmates. I HOPE. Otherwise, it's going to be a long year. 

I've got some things started that will hopefully help my students get back into the school groove. Blurting, yelling across the room, and constant talking are problems we're facing. I've started a blurt bean jar and blurtsheets (worksheets, but better). No one wants a blurtsheet, so they're trying harder. That makes me hopeful!

I'm glad for the weekend to decompress and get some things done at home. Usually we're a four-day week, but the first four weeks of school are five days. That ends up being 40 hours with students. FORTY HOURS WITH STUDENTS. I can't even begin to tell you how draining that is. I'll be glad to get those done with.

Next weekend, my mom, my sisters, and I are going to have a girls' weekend. We're meeting up in Utah Valley, where one sister lives. It's halfway for all of us. We're planning to go to the temple, go to Swiss Days in Midway (we're Swiss and visited Switzerland two years ago, so this is going to be amazing!), pedicures, games, and fun. I'm looking forward to it so much! We all need it.

Anyway, that's what's up. I hope that next time I have good news to report about my class's progress!

Henry Update

 I've had a hard time since I had to take Henry back to the shelter. I wanted it to work so badly. I really think I could have overcome the anxiety. I just couldn't overcome the allergies. But I've still wondered over and over if I did the right thing by taking him back.

Well, today I found out that he's been adopted. I had taken all of his favorite things to the shelter, and they said that they'd send it with a new owner. So Henry has his things that will hopefully help him adjust to a new home and settle in. I'm so glad that the shelter was willing to do that. Henry really loved his sofa, hammock, and large tower. I also sent his litter box and treats. I feel good about him still having some of his things.

Today is the first time I've felt like I did make the right choice. Honestly, it was the only choice, but I still struggled. Now I know that he'll be okay and loved. I'm happy for him.

Adopting a cat...and then not adopting a cat

 Last fall, I started feeling like maybe I was ready to try an emotional support animal. I really struggle with anxiety, and I hoped it would help. I worked with my therapist for months to be ready. I spent that time searching shelters for cats that I'd be a good fit with. I spent over 8 months preparing.

Finally, I was ready. I had done the required work with my therapist to qualify for an ESA, and I finally found the perfect cat. I met him ahead of time at the shelter, and we clicked immediately. He was an orange and white boy. I'm so partial to orange cats!

I waited a couple more days to be absolutely sure, and then I went to adopt my cat. I named him Henry Pawsworth Longfellow, and he was absolutely perfect. He loved me from the beginning. He wanted to be with me at all times. His favorite place was on my lap. We spent hours cuddling and playing.

I didn't really notice that I wasn't feeling well until about a week in. I was achy, itchy, congested, and had a sore throat constantly. Not feeling well made my anxiety spike. I recognized the signs of an imminent downward spiral. That's happened before, and it's not good. Really not good.

I talked with my parents for awhile, and we realized that I am allergic to cats. I haven't had an indoor cat before, so I didn't know. I didn't know it was severe. My beloved Henry was making me so sick. My autoimmune medications suppress my immune system, so I can't fight things off. Taking allergy medications wasn't enough. In the end, I only had one choice. I had to take Henry back to the shelter. It broke my heart.

It's amazing how quickly one can become attached and how deep the hurt is when you have to make a choice like this. I know I did everything right, but it's still devastating to lose my sweet boy. If he'd been a jerk cat, it would have been different, but he was so very good. He was smart, lovey, funny, and so wonderful to have around. Losing him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face.

Now I'm left feeling even more alone. I'm having to take all of his things out because the allergens are still there. The shelter will take his favorite things so that they can go with him to his new home, so that's good. I'm glad he'll have something familiar to go with him. But oh, how I wish he was staying here with me. I wish I didn't have allergies. I wish I didn't have anxiety. 

But I do. And I have to make impossible choices because of it.

Craziness!!

Today was the last day of school this year. My former district ended 2 weeks ago, so these last 2 weeks have been looooooooonnnnnnnng and torturous. Everyone (including me) was feral and ready to be done. We finally made it though, and wouldn't you know it, there was crazy involved.

I had a strong feeling this morning that I needed to get to school early. I woke up late, my morning was chaotic, but I just couldn't shake that feeling. So I left before I was entirely ready to go. I got to school about 10 minutes before I usually do. When I got to my door, I thought it looked blurry, and wondered if it was something wrong with my contacts. I opened the door, and a cloud of smoke and electrical fire smell washed over me. I was so scared!

I ran inside (maybe not the smartest thing I've ever done...) and opened the windows. Thank goodness for windows that open. I checked everything I had plugged in, and none of the outlets were hot and none of the cords looked burned. I unplugged everything anyway. I then ran to get our assistant principal (our principal was out today for his daughter's wedding) and she was able to get in touch with the head maintenance guy. Looking back, I wonder why we didn't call the fire department? I have no idea. I blame the last day of school brain.

When the maintenance guy got there within 2 minutes of our call, he went through my room too. He also found nothing, which was a huge relief. I was afraid that I'd plugged something in that was causing the problem. Whew! 

After he went through my room, he opened the utility closet between my classroom and one of my teammate's. He immediately found the problem. I learned that we each have our own furnace (who knew this school was so fancy!) and the control panel on mine had burned. It was burned beyond recognition. It was twisted grotesquely and looked horrifying. The guy told me that we were probably within minutes of flames. What. The. Heck?!

At that moment, my brain jumped to the feeling I'd had all morning. We were within minutes. MINUTES. Hmmm...maybe like the ten minutes early that I got there?

I am SO glad I listened, even though I was having a *morning*. I'm so glad we were able to get to the problem pretty quickly. I'm so glad that we avoided flames. My classroom would have been destroyed, along with the thousands of dollars of educational things I have in there. Yeah, I don't have that kind of money to toss around, and because just about everything in the room is my personal property, the school insurance wouldn't have covered it and I'd be out of luck. I'm definitely thinking about classroom insurance, if that's a thing.

We were unable to use the classroom for the planned activities. It was still smokey and the smell was awful. Maintenance brought in big fans to suck the smoke out, so that cleared pretty quickly. But the smell didn't lessen at all. Ugh. I'm afraid that a lot of things will need a trip to the cleaner. I have a bunch of Idaho pillows that I made while teaching fourth grade, and they weren't in my office. Nothing in my office was affected because the door was closed and apparently it has a decent seal. But the pillows are on top of the cupboards out in the classroom, so they'll have picked up the electrical fire smell. UGH.

All things considered though, a trip to the dry cleaner for my pillows is a small price to pay considering what could have happened.

I hope I always stop and listen when those thoughts pop up.

Summer Plans

 Summer is quickly approaching. My last day of school is June 6, which feels like forever away! I bet it'll come quickly though. My team has a lot of fun things planned for the last week of school. Our third graders are going to love it! 

Monday is Harry Potter Day. We'll sort our students into the four Hogwarts houses and do fun rotations. Then they get to watch the first movie and have treats. I spent today decorating my classroom for the event (we don't have school on Fridays) - I've got floating candles, flying keys, special cupcake wrappers and toppers, portraits, and a trail of mysterious footprints around the room. I'm excited to see my kids' reactions on Monday!

I think I'll probably crash on June 7th, and then I'm headed to California to visit my aunt and uncle, and then Nevada to visit my brother and his family. It will be so nice to get out of town for awhile. This year has been tough health-wise, and going down to third grade after so long in fourth was a hard transition. Developmentally, there's basically a canyon between the two grades. I had to remind myself all year long that the things that were driving me nuts were developmentally appropriate. I think next year will be better because I've gotten more acclimated to third grade. I have a lot of plans for next year to support a much higher level of learning. Fingers crossed that it all works!

I've got a little porch garden going, and my lettuce and spinach are looking fantastic. I need to replant basil, lavender, and catnip. I'm not sure why those didn't come up. I'm now living on the ground floor, so it's a little weird to hang out on my patio, but I may just sit out there and read anyway. 

I'm getting a cat after my vacation. I'm so excited about this! It'll be an emotional support animal. My therapist thinks that would be a good thing for me, and I have to agree. I tried once before and it was a disaster. Mostly because I rushed into it without a lot of prep and my cat was an elderly man who was very set in his ways. I'd had him for years, but he was an outdoor cat and used to having a lot of yard to roam around in. It ended up being a disaster. This time, I decided I needed to take it slower and really make sure I get the right animal. I've also got the cat furniture, toys, and other supplies set up in my apartment already. I figured it would be a good way to get used to the idea before it became a reality. It's feeling normal now to have all the cat stuff around. I can't wait until the end of June!

Of course, I'll spend some time working on new things for the next school year. I've got a ton of task cards to laminate and organize, along with writing conferences and finishing up an outline of my plans. I want to be super ready for next year and my new class. I'm considering flexible seating instead of desks, so I'm working on a DonorsChoose project grant. I hope it gets funded!

I want to read a lot more and get back into cross-stitching and embroidery. It's been hard to do those because it hurts my hands. I've got nodules growing because of the autoimmune diseases, and they hurt. Holding a needle is awful. But, I'm on a new medication (Enbrel) that I'm really hoping will help. I'd love to get back into my hobbies.

That's it for me. I'm looking forward to a relaxing summer!

Plans

 I have plans. Plans that don't include stopping for my autoimmune diseases. Plans that will help me maximize the enjoyment I can get out of my life as it is.

First, I'm making time for hobbies and things I enjoy. Things like cross stitching, learning embroidery, reading, baking, etc.

I'm learning how to make sourdough bread. I had my first successful loaf last week. I'm taking this week off, because I've had a nasty stomach bug. But the satisfaction of baking my first loaf was unreal! The thrill of seeing my creation baking up beautifully. The glorious taste of homemade bread that *I* made.

I'm learning how to do embroidery. I already cross stitch extensively, so embroidery is just another level. I'm leaning new stitches that are just lovely. I have plans for this hobby. Plans that include homemade gifts that will be meaningful rather than things that I happened to find online.

My hands hurt a lot of the time because of my autoimmune diseases, but I'm trying to still pursue hobbies. It gives me purpose.

Second, I'm getting a cat. I've been searching for the perfect fit cat, but all the ones I've hoped to go meet have been adopted already. That just tells me that my perfect fit is still out there. I'm ready to travel to pick up my perfect pet. I have several new candidates that I'm hoping I can meet. This cat will really be a lifesaver for me. An emotional support animal. My anxiety has reached what feels like catastrophic levels and I've got to have help. I can't be with my therapist 24/7, and I adore cats. This feels like the perfect solution.

I tried an ESA once before, and it was a disaster. There were multiple reasons, I think. My cat was an old man who was used to having the free range of the garage and huge yard at my parents' house. He'd never been an inside cat, and it was a very tough adjustment for both of us. I'd never had an inside cat, and I wasn't ready for one to be independent and do what he wanted, where he wanted. I've been discussing this at length with my therapist, and he's helping me to feel ready and prepared. It will be a bit of time yet, but it's coming sooner than I'd though possible. I'm very excited.

The school year is coming to a close rapidly. I can't believe April is nearly over. It's gone by so fast. This has been a tough year. Adjusting to a younger grade level has been hard. I taught third grade when I first started teaching, but then I spent 9 years in 4th grade. There's a huge difference between third and fourth graders. I wasn't ready for the changes. Plus, this group has been tough. They're not poorly behaved at all. We've hit a pretty decent stride for the most part. Motivation has been hard and the tattling...OH, THE TATTLING. It drives me crazy to hear the 'he looked at my funny' whines that I get all day long. It's times like that when I have to stop and remind myself that they are 8-9 years old and this is developmentally normal. It's definitely been an adjustment. Next year will be better because I'll at least be prepared for the differences.

Now I'm just trying to stay healthy (hah. easier said than done) I'm trying to find the energy to get anything done at home on the weekends. (How did I ever work a five-day week?!) I'll be seeing my rheumatologist in May again, and hopefully we'll be able to come up with a better plan. My meds are no longer working and the pain is getting worse by the day. I'm trying, I really am. It's hard. Invisible illnesses are devastating. People seem to think that because they can't see anything wrong, there isn't. But oh, there's so much. Having your own body be at war with itself is incredibly tough and exhausting. I'm trying.

Autoimmune diseases are the devil

I had a doctor appointment this week. 

I came out of it feeling overwhelmed, but also grateful. Grateful to have a team of doctors who listen and who are doing their absolute best to help me get healthy.

I am dealing with Axial Spondyloarthritis and underlying Rheumatoid Arthritis. Yes, it's painful. Yes, it's exhausting. Yes, there are days when I simply cannot function. Yes, by the end of the week I am absolutely drained. Autoimmune diseases take a toll physically and emotionally. 

I asked a question that I was expecting to get a 'no' answer on. Instead, I got a resounding YES and a definite point on the timeline when my issues started. Over twenty years ago. TWENTY YEARS. I have been undiagnosed for over twenty years. I have been laughed out of doctor's offices. I have been treated like a hypochondriac. I have been accused of being an attention seeker. Twenty years ago, I was a student at BYU (that long already?!) and I got mono. 

Turns out, mono can trigger autoimmune disorders. Before mono, I was incredibly healthy. I rarely got sick, and if I did, it was over quickly. After mono, I got sick all the time. Like, ALL THE TIME. It was more severe every time and it felt like it lasted forever. I knew mono could stick around in your system and flare up from time to time, and I felt like I'd experienced that several times. Which, I could have. But it's more likely that I was getting flares of the AS/RA even that long ago. 

When my doctor said it was absolutely connected, I started crying. I couldn't help myself. I was mourning for the Emily who got laughed at. Mourning for the Emily who was accused of things that weren't true. Mourning for a life spent in pain. I can't even imagine what my life could have been like if someone had listened to me instead of laughing at me. If someone had said let's figure this out.

I'm angry. I'm angry at the doctors. I'm angry at people who doubted. I'm angry at people who rolled their eyes and sarcastically said they never had to take sick days. I'm angry that I've missed out on SO MUCH. I'm angry that it apparently isn't enough that I have been living in hell for over twenty years, but I also get to do it alone. I'm angry at people who say that they're grateful for their trials. I'm angry at people who tell me I just need to find what it is I'm supposed to learn from this. I'm angry at people who suggest that I'm just looking for the bad in my life. I'm angry that I had to get to the point where I very nearly took my own life because of this before anyone would help me. 

At this point, I feel like I've earned that. I need to go through the anger. I need to be allowed to grieve for what I've lost in my life. For lost moments. Lost opportunities. Lost dreams. The grief cycle is very real and I feel like I'm experiencing it all at once. I need the time and space to go through it.

It's a lot to take in. I feel like the burden is so heavy right now. It's so hard to carry it alone. There are so few people who can understand. 

I'm so grateful that one doctor listened a year and a half ago. I'm so grateful that he did such extensive blood tests that it required 15 vials of blood! 15!!! I'm so grateful that he was astute enough to see that I desperately needed help. That doctor literally saved my life. I was at my very limit and he was my last resort. I wish I'd gone to see him so much earlier, but I'd been to doctor after doctor after doctor and I was exhausted of it all. This one doctor set me on a path that can take me to better health. I will never be cured. Unfortunately, that isn't an option for my diseases. BUT. I can get into remission. I can feel better than I have for half of my life. I can finally allow myself to feel some hope that there is a better path ahead for me.

Autoimmune diseases are the devil. But this devil can finally be put to rest.

How is it March already?!

 Holy cow, 2025 is flying. It's already March and I'm wondering what happened to January and February. Interestingly enough, January felt like it lasted two centuries while it was happening, but looking back, it seems like it wasn't even there. Maybe that's a good thing.

Here are some things that have been happening:

1. I finally finished a cross stitch project that I've been working on for years. 

2. I got some tools to make cross stitching easier. With my autoimmune diseases, my hands hurt a lot of the time, so cross stitching was nearly impossible. Plus, I can't see as well. So I got a magnifier light, a lap stand, and a large frame for larger projects. It's wonderful to be able to work on my projects!

3. I am learning how to make French macarons. My first attempt was actually not bad! 

4. I am also nurturing a sourdough starter named Edna. So far, Edna is not being very cooperative, so I'm trying to figure out how to proceed from here. I don't want to start over, but I might have to. I was hoping I'd be ready to make my first loaf of bread this weekend, but it wasn't meant to be. Hopefully this coming weekend.

5. I am holding firm with my boundaries. I get to work at 7:20 and leave at 4. There isn't a lot that I'll do at home, unless it's something simple like laminating/cutting. Having firm boundaries has been a game changer for me.

6. I am writing to my elected officials regularly regarding concerns...I have a lot of them. Honestly, the political climate in the USA right now is beyond toxic and scary. It's doing a huge number on my anxiety, and I'm having a hard time finding ways to cope. I'm back in therapy, and I'm also writing lots of letters. I am not going to give up on making my voice heard. 

I'm happy that I've been able to spend more time on hobbies this year, and I'm looking to start cooking more. I really enjoy cooking, but it's been very difficult these last few years with my diseases. Standing longer than a few minutes at a time is very hard and painful. So I'm trying to do what I can.

Goals for 2025

 I sat down this weekend and made a list of things I wanted to work on for 2025. I need to make 2025 the year of ME. I am SO BAD at self-care, and it's taken a huge toll on me, both physically and emotionally. I want to have a healthier year in every way, in the hopes that I can manage my illness better.

Here's what I want to work on:

Study scriptures nearly every day

Save towards vacations

15 minutes of purposeful exercise

Less TV

More books

Less online shopping

Do more hobbies (reading, cross stitch, embroidery, sewing)

Cook more

Learn to make break and macarons

Pack actual lunch for work

Keep house clean and uncluttered

Weekly/monthly chores

Be social for real

Host monthly game nights with friends

I want to really focus on things that I know will boost me and give me a reason to look forward to each day. One of my favorite authors does something every year: begin as you mean to go on (BAYMTGO). I am going to make this my mantra and have a great year!

Christmas Prep

 This year, I've had a hard time feeling grounded and settled. Part of it is that my healthcare has been a roller coaster (more on that below) and part of it has been the state of US politics. Both have had me feeling like I'm spiraling.

After being diagnosed with Axial Spondyloarthritis with a possible combination with Rheumatoid Arthritis back in April, I had a series of medicine trials to see if they'd help. Nothing did. I was in pain all the time. It wasn't severe all the time, but it was THERE. Sometimes it was really bad. All in all, it was pretty miserable.

Finally, my doctor decided to proceed with twice-monthly injections of the generic brand of Humira. I was concerned about the cost - Humira itself is over $8000 a month, and the generic isn't a whole lot cheaper. My doctor told me about cost-reducing programs that I could qualify for and reduce my cost to nothing. This begs the question of why it's so expensive in the first place, but I digress.

My insurance denied coverage of the generic, but said they'd approve on-brand Humira. This makes no sense, unless you look at it like the insurance company probably gets a pretty good chunk of a kickback with brand name drugs and not so much with generics. My doctor says it's all a big scam and I'm pretty inclined to agree.

I started the Humira and after about 8 weeks, I started noticing a big difference. I wasn't hurting when I woke up in the mornings, the nodules that had become quite large in my hand joints were shrinking, and I was able to stand for longer periods of time without my hip joints seizing up. I was ecstatic! Finally something was working, I had answers, and I was on the way to being able to live a more normal life.

Enter new job, which came with new insurance. I was able to get one last refill under my old insurance, and then the waiting game started with my new job. I knew I wouldn't be covered until October 1, so I'd made arrangements with my doctor to get a sample of the generic medicine to tide me over until I could get the new insurance in place. I tried for most of September to get in touch with someone who could get me my insurance information so that I could get the preauthorization process started. I wasn't having any luck at all. I finally emailed the HR director at my new job, and almost immediately got a pretty nasty response back and I should have contacted her to begin with, she could have helped me, blah blah blah. I didn't contact her initially, because how was I supposed to know that she had my insurance information?! I don't feel like that's a given. And every other interaction I've had with her has been not so positive. She's been very snarky and pretty nasty with me with questions that I've had. Hello, sorry I just changed jobs and am trying to familiarize myself with your procedures. OF COURSE I HAVE QUESTIONS.

Anyway, with that information, my doctor was able to get the process started to get preauthorization. Surprisingly, it came back pretty quickly and was approved. I was relieved. I could continue my medication without a whole lot of interruption. 

HAH

Not so much. I was able to get one month of Humira, and then when I went to refill on time, it was denied. The pharmacy (in Orlando, Florida) said that my insurance had said I already refilled for the month. I most definitely hadn't. Long story short, I won't be able to get my medication again until just before Christmas, so now I've been off for 2 months. It took that long to feel any relief when I first started, and I've regressed a lot. Those hand nodules are coming back, and it's been harder to use my hands. I can't stand for longer than a few minutes at a time, my joints are creaky and loud, and I wake up in pain every single morning. It takes almost an hour for things to feel better and for me to get going. UGH.

Add in the stress of a super contentious country right now, and faced with more of the same for the next four years, I was just done. I knew I needed to do something to bring hope into my life again, because I sure wasn't feeling it.

I decided to put up my Christmas decor super early (before Halloween O_O) because it always makes me feel centered and calm. It really has done the trick this year. Though I'm still going through the medical drama and I don't feel a whole lot of hope in the US right now, I *do* feel it in my home. Christmas has that effect on me and I love it.

My apartment smells like cinnamon, my tree is glorious this year, the farmhouse charm is all over the place, and I feel happy here. I love Christmas more than any other time and I'm happy to bring it around early this year.

Here's to a more hopeful future.

It's been a hot minute...

 I don't think I realized how long it's been since I last wrote! Yikes. The pattern settles in again.

In my defense, things have been bonkers. I had to move my classroom and get it set up, I moved apartments and have had to get all unpacked and settled, school started, parent teacher conferences, my dad had major surgery and was in the hospital for over a month, the election that gives me more stress than anything...the list could go on and on. Life caught up with me and it hasn't slowed down. 

I ended up starting my Christmas decorating way early this year. It's one of the things that can help me settle when I'm struggling, and boy have I been struggling. I'm hoping that things are on the verge of settling down and not settling in. Fingers crossed.

My new school is great. I really love it up in St. Anthony, and I really love my school. Obviously, it's not perfect, but it's really great. I have a really good team and fantastic administrators. I feel super supported and I'm finding my footing. My class is settling in and we've hit our stride. We're able to get a lot done and the kids are working hard. I've changed up a lot of the way I do things so that I could meet their needs better. We work super hard Monday through Wednesday, then Thursday mornings are math games. I get out games that reinforce what we've been learning and then we play. I've taught the kids a bunch of games that I used at Kennedy, and they love them! They're all working so hard to be able to play math games on Thursdays. I love it! 

One big thing that happened was that on election day, I was driving up to work. It had been snowing all night and it was cold enough to freeze. Once I got to the north Rexburg exit, the roads were icy. I slowed down and continued north. As I got further along, I heard my Grandpa Sonderegger's voice tell me "You stay in this lane. Stay in this lane no matter what." It shook me, but I listened. I am so glad I did. As I got closer to the county line, I was getting near the North Fork bridge. I saw a big black truck driving down into the median, and I thought for a minute that it was a police truck changing direction to head after someone. I thought that until it started spinning and then jumped the barrier and came right at me. I was terrified, but I kept my cool. I know it was because Grandpa was there with me. The truck came so close to hitting me that I could see the tread on the tires. It kicked up a pretty large debris field, and I did get hit by that. Looking back, there is literally only one way that I didn't get hit - God protected me. I should have been smashed. I would have died if I'd been hit. It was that severe. There wasn't a safe spot to pull over, so I called 911 as I continued north. It wasn't until I got to the construction south of St. Anthony that I realized that my windshield was badly cracked. There were little impact craters too, plus a lot of scratched glass. I need to get it replaced. 

That experience has had an effect on me for sure. It was so scary. I held it together until I got to school and then I broke. It was so hard to be there that day, but I also knew that if I went home, I'd be home alone with my thoughts all day and that wouldn't have been good. I stuck it out even though it was so hard. I've been trying really hard to reframe my thoughts when I drive past that bridge now. Instead of thinking of it as the place I almost died, I am trying to think of it as the place where my life was saved. I guess it's not my time to go. I'm glad of that. I'm not ready.

That's it, in a nutshell. I'm hanging on for dear life, but I *am* hanging on. This too shall pass.

Deadlines and roadblocks

 The last couple of months have been full of deadlines and roadblocks. I'm in my last term of grad school (for the second time - I know I'm insane for doing this twice) and I've hit so many brick walls. I had one class that had to be moved over to this term from the last, because I wasn't able to finish it in the term. So instead of only having my capstone projects to do, I had that class (and its 3 projects) in addition. I've been dealing with health issues for such a long time, and last fall, it all kind of came to a head. I just wasn't well and I was getting nowhere with doctors. (On the positive side, I finally saw a doctor who listened, believed, and got me in to someone who could help.) Grad school had to take a back seat.

I got the carryover class finished up, thankfully, and got started on my capstone. It's the compilation of research that I've conducted and an analysis of the data. I was doing really well! Then I hit yet another wall. In addition to the Axial Spondyloarthritis, I tested positive and have symptoms of Rheumatoid Arthritis. My doctor said I'm Stage 3, meaning that I've started developing nodules in the joints where my fingers attach to my palms. It's pretty gross, so definitely don't google. I did and I regret it. Damage is permanent, but progression can be slowed.

Over the last few weeks, I've been jumping through hoops and have spent HOURS on the phone with insurance, pharmaceutical companies, and doctors. I finally got everything done and approved, so I'm able to continue treatment. It means twice monthly injections, but the needle is so tiny that I can't even feel it. And, since I've been on samples from the doctor for the last month and a half, I think I'm starting to notice a difference. The nodules in my hands have actually shrunk a little. I'm hopeful that I can make it into remission, which would mean a much lower level of chronic pain. It's a future that I honestly hadn't considered, so I'm excited that it's even a possibility.

Anyway, all that to say that I've been so overwhelmed between health and grad school that I've neglected to do anything here. I know it seems to be a pattern, and honestly? It is. I'll do really well for a bit and then fall off. So really, this is just an update and a disclaimer that I'm definitely likely to drop off again. Such is life.