Look, we need to have a serious talk.

So this weekend has been kind of a raw one. (Note, not a BAD one. There's difference between raw and bad.) We had a beautiful discussion/council in Relief Society today about our mindsets and how we can change them. How we can combat Satan's constant whisperings that we're not enough. I had so many FEELINGS, y'all. So many. I actually took notes in church, which I literally never do. I should. I definitely should.

So the rawness actually started a couple weeks ago when I read a couple of Facebook posts from two women I respect and admire greatly. They were open and honest about what they saw as their shortcomings. They talked about their struggles to be "perfect," or at least to seem that way. I wondered how on earth women like that could have those feelings. Those are the kinds of feelings that *I* have because *I* am so imperfect. It's always seemed to me (inaccurately, let me add) that I'm just not to the 'good enough' point where I don't have to have struggles anymore.

Okay, let's address ALL THE WRONG things about that mindset.

1. Can we talk about how NO ONE is immune from struggles? 

CS Lewis said, "Life with God is not IMMUNITY from trials, but PEACE during them." (probably paraphrased, and emphasis added, but you get the picture)

I love that. It was mentioned yesterday in Time Out for Women, which I attended with my mom. SO incredibly uplifting. I've so often thought that if I could just be a little better at scripture study, or a little more fervent in my prayers, or a little more consistent at attending the temple, or or or or, then I wouldn't have the trials that I have.

That is SO FALSE. A dear sister pointed out today that we are spiritual beings having a mortal existence. A mortal existence comes with mortal trials. Our goodness doesn't dictate what those trials are going to be. My goodness shouldn't come with a side of forever single, yo. But it does. My goodness has nothing to do with my lack of a husband. It's just part of my mortal trial. It's something that's hard for me, but something I'm constantly learning how to deal with and still be happy. 

Some of my trials ARE because of my choices. I chose to not be as diligent in my exercise as I should have been when I was younger, and now it's harder for me to take up the habit. I've packed on more pounds than I'd like because of my own choices. That has nothing to do with my goodness. It has everything to do with my mortal choices. Am I paying a price? Yes, yes I am. Am I working to make better choices? Again, yes I am.


2. The idea that we have to be perfect is ridiculous. 

Okay, it's definitely ridiculous, but it's also incredibly prevalent. Women definitely suffer from it, men suffer from it, and so do children.

One thing that was said yesterday really stuck with me:

"We are all LOST and FALLEN, but we are KNOWN and LOVED INFINITELY by God."

There's got to be more power in that than in the idea that somehow I've got to be perfect in order for Him to take any interest in me. As a mortal being, I *cannot* be perfect. I cannot. I will ALWAYS make mistakes. I will ALWAYS fall short. I will ALWAYS think of things I need to do in order to be better. None of those things preclude me from God's infinite love.

When I can get that through my thick head, I feel so much better about myself and my progress. Sometimes it sticks, and sometimes it has to be ramrodded back in. Usually through a trial of some sort. #naturally

3. Shortcomings.

Ooh, this one really gets me. Like, REALLY GETS ME. 

I am SO GOOD about saying things like "this is who I am" and "I am beautiful as I am" and "I love myself for who I am" and then NOT BELIEVING ANY OF IT.

Seriously. It's like I'm constantly lying to myself about all these good things because I don't actually believe them.

Take this morning for example.

I bought a DARLING navy and white striped skirt at Time Out this weekend. I love this skirt so much. It has *gasps**horrors**sobs* HORIZONTAL STRIPES. Yes, you read that correctly. I bought a skirt (okay, TWO SKIRTS) with horizontal stripes. 

Why? Because I loved them.

BUT EMILY, GIRLS OF YOUR SIZE AND SHAPE SHOULD NOT EVER WEAR HORIZONTAL STRIPES BECAUSE FATNESS.

This is seriously my inner dialogue when it's being NICE to me.

Here's what it sounded like this morning when it wasn't being nice to me:

Me: *puts on navy horizontally striped skirt and goes to admire in the mirror*

Also Me: WHY ARE YOU WEARING HORIZONTAL STRIPES YOU FAT COW GROSS AND SICK AND VOMIT

Me: Well, I really love this skirt, and look how I paired it with a gray sweater and brown boots and isn't it just adorable?

Also Me: NO, NO IT IS NOT ADORABLE YOU GROSSNESS NOW PEOPLE WILL SEE HOW FAT YOU ARE AND ALSO GROSS AND PEOPLE AT CHURCH WILL KNOW HOW FAT YOU ARE

Me: Look, Also Me, if people at church don't already know that, they must not have very good eyesight. *throat punches Also Me and wears said skirt to church*

(Let it be known that when I got to church, here is what I actually heard: "Wow, I love that skirt on you!" "You have such great style! I wouldn't have known to pair those things!" "I think you're one of the women who SHOULD wear horizontal stripes!" Literal quotes, yo.)

Okay, humorous, but also very sad. Yes, I really do talk to myself like that. Yes, I do say the meanest possible things I could say that I would never say to any other person even if I hated them. Yes, I am verbally abusive to myself. THIS TIME, I throat punched Also Me and did what I wanted, but it doesn't always end well. Some days it ends in tears and not feeling like I'm worth even a tarnished penny.

Why?

WHY??!?!??!

It's because Satan has such a grasp on self-image. He's worked the idea that we all have to look a certain way and be a certain size into our versions of normal, so now it IS the norm. We look at ourselves, and if we aren't fitting into that vision, we don't fit at all.

How on earth is that okay? How have we let it become okay?

Guess what? My ideal self IS NOT A SIZE TWO. My ideal self DOES HAVE CURVES AND LOTS OF THEM. My ideal self WILL NEVER FIT INTO WHAT SOCIETY SAYS IT SHOULD BE.

I have to be okay with that. I have to LEARN how to be okay with that, because it's no longer innate to be okay with less than what society says is perfect. I think it was, at one point. I think when I (and all of us) was a child, it was easy to accept myself and to know that God loves me and to know that He doesn't care that my thighs will never have a fashionable gap between them. He DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT SO MUCH MORE. Does this mean that I get a pass on taking care of myself? NO. That is not what I'm saying at all. In fact, I AM working to lose weight. I AM working to get strong and healthy. But it's because I need to do that for ME, and not because I'm trying to reach something unattainable.

God doesn't love me because of my size, or in spite of it. He just loves me because I am His child. He recognizes in me the Godly attributes that He gave me, even when I don't recognize them myself. He sees the potential in me that He gave me, even when I am not living up to it.

There's so much more to life than trying to just not live up to my perceived shortcomings.

I really want to share some of the quotations that I wrote down yesterday at Time Out. The theme was all about receiving personal revelation and hearing the Lord. I wondered if I even do that, and 26 pages of notes later, my mom said oh yes I do.

Here are some thoughts:

"I have been reserved for because I am MAGNIFICENT." (Raise your hand if you've ever really told yourself that you're magnificent. I know my hand is firmly DOWN. It shouldn't be.)

"God is in the details, even when it feels like He's not even aware."

"Look who showed up to be the pinata." (The Sistas in Zion are the literal BEST and I want to be BFFs with them. This is what they said after someone mentioned a snarky comment someone else had made to them when they arrived at an activity...you know the comments, "Oh, look who actually showed up..." You've heard them. Now I really want someone to say this to me because I know what I will say back.)

Live vertically - make your focus upwards, towards God, instead of horizontally, towards the world.

In speaking of Hagar in the Old Testament, who went into the wilderness with her son to die, "Sometimes God doesn't take away the wilderness. Sometimes He shows us the well." I love that one so much. It tells me that God isn't necessarily going to take away my trials, but He will show me a way to get through them.

As you SEEK to HEAR the voice of the Lord, TURN to the scriptures. Those are all action verbs. ACTION.

If God could help Moses, then God can help ME.

We are going to do something EXTRAORDINARY.  This was Emma Smith, speaking of the Relief Society.

STOP living beneath your privilege. This one took my breath away because I am guilty of totally living beneath my privilege. I need to knock it off and start rising up to my privilege.

Stop telling God how BIG your mountains are and start telling your mountains how BIG your God is. I love that one probably the most. No matter how big and impossible my trials may feel, they are NOT bigger than God and Jesus. They aren't.

God reveals Himself to us in our UTMOST NEEDS. In looking back over my life and my trials, I can most definitely see the hand of God in there. He really did lift me during those hardest times and He helped me get through things I didn't feel strong enough to get through.

Finally, Heavenly Father and Jesus LOVE ME, imperfect as I am.

Motivation

Ah, motivation. I sometimes wonder why that's even a word, because I seem to not really know what it means.

Honestly.

That's got to change though, because I'm learning that lack of motivation is REALLY unhealthy. I've been so stressed out and tired (read: exhausted) for SO LONG that I've lost all my motivation for pretty much anything. Sadly, that included regular exercise. I think the last time I took care of myself with any regularity was 6 years ago. SIX. YEARS.

That's a long time to be cruel to yourself.

No more.

NO MORE!!!

I'm taking back control, and looking for my motivation. Right now, that's in the form of my teacher bestie, Nikki. We decided that we were going to do this together and do it right. Both of us are the kind of people that when we get home, we are HOME. None of this go out and do other things junk. Nope, we're homebodies. So we chose to work out after school, in my classroom. We both really like Zumba, so that's what we're doing. (Coincidentally, it's also literally the only form of exercise that I've ever actually loved, and that's ever actually worked.) We just bring workout clothes, change in the bathroom, and then work out. So far, we're two for two, even though we BOTH tried to come up with an excuse to not have to do it today. But we persevered! We did it! I'm really proud of us, because this is kind of a milestone.

It helps me so much to have a buddy for things like this. A buddy to actually work out with, and a buddy to help me stay motivated to do the workouts. I can't wait to see where this takes us! (I'm guessing it's going to be into my skinny clothes box that's been sitting in my closet for the last 6 years...bring on those clothes!!)

Overwhelmed...and some books you should read.

So...remember that one time when I was going to gather all my things into one place and write about them? And how I wasn't going to give up?

Yeah. I sort of gave up for awhile.

The thing is, I've been SO OVERWHELMED lately. It kind of feels like I don't know which way is up, and that's not something I love experiencing. I'm a very organized, task-oriented, driven kind of person, and I haven't been, like AT ALL. I started the year out so strong, with a bullet journal and everything. I peeked in it today, and I figure I left half of February out, and so far, all of March. I'm working on remedying that though. I'm getting it caught up today, even though that's a pretty overwhelming task itself.

I think this winter is really getting to me. Once it became clear that it was pretty much endless snow and no chance of a snow day, I was like, "NOPE." And I was done. I also think I probably have a bit of SAD, and this winter has pretty well confirmed that. I'm usually very good at prioritizing and getting things done, but man have I let things slide lately. I haven't really felt like I could talk about it much, because everyone has their own issues. But it's built up and I'm drowning in it. I needed to get it out somehow, even if it was through my written words and not spoken.

I mean, I'm okay and everything, I just haven't been nearly as focused as I usually am. Plus, the other day on my way home from work I heard this and I was just undone because these last months have been LONELY. I ugly cried, people. Right there in my car with every other driver wondering if they needed to call someone. It's like, "Thank you, life, for kicking me while I was already down." Actually, I've felt like life was kicking me while I was down for the last month or so. Winter has GOT to go.



Without going into the whole story (and yes, there is a story, and no, I'm not going to go into details right now, because it's still pretty raw for me even after months), it just really hit me that I have some regrets where a previous relationship is concerned. I got scared. I ran. I tried to make things better. He wasn't having it. (I don't blame him in ANY WAY, FYI, it was all me. Totally all me.) I know he's not reading this, but I just had to get it out. People, if you're in a relationship and it's good, don't pull an Ems. Don't get scared because it's going well. Let it flow and then just go with it. Don't be like me. Don't have regrets. I hate regrets.
Okay, on to what y'all wanted in the first place: book recs. Here are three that I've finished lately and LOVED.
1. Healing Hearts, by Sarah M. Eden

"Wyoming Territory, 1876

As the only doctor in the frontier town of Savage Wells, Gideon MacNamara knows his prospects for a bride are limited. The womenfolk in town are either too young, too old, or already spoken for. So, being a practical man, he decides to take advantage of the matchmaking service of the day—mail-order brides—and sends away for a woman with nursing experience.

When Miriam steps off the stagecoach in Savage Wells, she sees a bright future in front of her. But when the town—and Gideon—meets her, ready for a wedding, her excitement quickly turns to horror. Somehow Dr. MacNamara's message had gotten turned around. He didn’t want a nurse, he wanted a wife. When she refuses to marry him, she finds herself stranded in Savage Wells with some very unhappy townspeople.But Gideon is not like the other men Miriam has met. Embarrassed by the misunderstanding, he offers her a job, and the two begin an awkward—and often humorous—dance of getting to know each other as they work to care for the people of their town. Romance blossoms between the two, but when a former medical associate of Miriam’s arrives in town, Gideon and the other townsfolk must rally around Miriam to protect her from a dangerous fate. Gideon and Miriam must decide if they are willing to risk their hearts for each other even as buried secrets are brought to light." (Goodreads)
What I liked about it: okay, everything. I just love Sarah M. Eden's work, no matter what it is. She's an autobuy author for me because she's just SO GOOD. I loved the characters, loved the setting (Wyoming? Really?! Yeah, I didn't know I like Wyoming books either.), loved how it all played out. I loved that Miriam was strong in the face of her challenges, and that Gideon was a gentleman through and through. Nothing about this was easy, and yet it all worked out (that's not a spoiler...this is a clean romance novel. If you think things aren't going to work out, I suggest another genre). It was just a really beautiful story that I needed.
2. Caught by Surprise, by Jen Turano

"After years of hiding her true nature, Miss Temperance Flowerdew is finally enjoying freedom outside of the shadow of her relations, so the last thing she expected on her way to work was to be grabbed off the street by a stranger and put on a train bound for Chicago.

When Mr. Gilbert Cavendish is called upon to rescue a missing woman, he follows the trail to Chicago only to discover that the woman is his good friend, Temperance. Before they can discover who was behind her abduction, they're spotted alone together by a New York society matron, putting their reputations at risk.

Even though Gilbert is willing to propose marriage, Temperance is determined not to lose her newfound independence. But when the misunderstanding in Chicago escalates into a threat on her life, accepting Gilbert's help in solving the mystery may lead to more than she ever could have dreamed." (Goodreads)
What I liked: Okay, again, everything. I ADORE Jen Turano! Her books are whimsical, quirky, and full of people that I really want to be lifelong friends with. They're so full of life and fun and everything that I wish I was. I've been cheering for Temperance since the beginning of this series - it's about time she got her due! And I loved Gilbert. He was just the right amount of ornery (I love that in a hero, honestly), but still so incredibly sweet and romantic. Again, just what I needed.
3. Flights of Fancy, by Jen Turano

"Miss Isadora Delafield may be an heiress, but her life is far from carefree. When her mother begins pressuring her to marry an elderly and uncouth duke, she escapes from the high society world she's always known and finds herself to be an unlikely candidate for a housekeeper position in rural Pennsylvania.

Mr. Ian MacKenzie is known for his savvy business sense and has built his reputation and fortune completely on his own merits. But when his adopted parents are in need of a new housekeeper and Isadora is thrown into his path, he's unexpectedly charmed by her unconventional manner.

Neither Isadora nor Ian expected to find the other so intriguing, but when mysterious incidents on the farm and the truth of Isadora's secret threaten those they love, they'll have to set aside everything they thought they wanted for a chance at happy-ever-after." (Goodreads)
What I liked: see above. All of it. Ms. Turano just really has a way with words. I liked them all. I really want to be BFFs with Izzy, and I REALLY need to meet a guy like Ian. If you happen to know anyone...
I can't promise that I'm going to be all gung-ho again, but I'm going to be BETTER. The renewed sunshine really helps, as does an increasing sense of peace that things are going to be okay. It's just going to take some time, and a whole lot more sunshine.