June?

June appears to be about to suffer the same fate as May. In other words, passing by like a blur without me even taking stock of what's going on. Such is life, I suppose.

Just so that this doesn't quite happen, here's what's been going on in June.

1. Summer school. I'm teaching 4th grade for June, including some of the kids who were in my class. That's been fun. It's super relaxed and chill. I've really enjoyed it. We've been able to have a lot of fun in areas that aren't generally considered fun *coughwritingcough*, and that's been awesome. Kids have actually been excited to write! This almost literally NEVER HAPPENS to me because I get the lame trade no one wants to go to. Yay me. I've enjoyed worked with the other teachers I'm partnered with as well. Neither of them teach in my building, so it's been loads of fun to get to know them and learn things from them. I'm hoping to do this every year!

2. I've finished a bunch of books that have been awesome, okay, and not so fabulous. Perhaps reviews will be forthcoming. Perhaps not. Totally depends on time. I've got a week of school left, then a reunion, and then we'll see.

3. I JOINED A DATING SITE GUYS.

Like seriously, I did. I don't even know what I was thinking beyond feeling very tired of being alone and wanting to feel like I was being slightly proactive. This one is LDS (not church sponsored, just church standards {IN THEORY}) and so hopefully the quality of fellows is higher than on other sites.

Okay, I'm not exactly holding my breath for that, because I met my ex-fiance through an LDS dating site and I'm pretty sure he was a closeted serial killer, so...

Look, I'm just taking it slow and being careful. I've been very up front about what I want, what I definitely DON'T want (I'm allowed to do that, BTW. None of this garbage about 'you can go out with anyone at least once' this time. NO, I DO NOT HAVE TO DO THAT, THANKS FOR PLAYING BYE.) I had a conversation going with one fellow, and when he found out that one of my requirements was that he make at least what I make, he bailed. Then I looked closer and realized that he was pretty much unemployed, so YEAH. Not looking for a sugar daddy, and definitely not looking to be someone's sugar mama. He also wasn't cool with my politics, which okay, that's fine, but he felt like if I didn't worship at the altar of Trump, we wouldn't match well. That's probably a good thing to find out early, yo. Because I definitely don't worship there, thanks. We wouldn't have gotten along very well at all.

There are a couple of potentials out there, which honestly surprises me. One, in fact, is like me, only a dude. He reads multiple books at once! I've literally NEVER met a guy who does that. I'm hoping we click, because that would be amazing. We'll see.

And in the meantime, WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE AND WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA AND SAVE ME NOW

4. My classroom is almost completely ready for back to school in August. The benefit of teaching summer school and having college students working in the room is that they need teaching time. So while they're teaching, I get to work on other things. Of course, I'm keeping an eye on things and helping where I'm needed. BUT. The huge benefit is that I've been able to get all the little nitpicky things done already. I've updated a couple of decor things that I wasn't loving, printed out all my open house pamphlets, worked up a new substitute binder, made new spelling cards, etc, etc. I've gotten a TON done. Now I feel like I'm going to actually be able to enjoy the summer after school ends. Such a huge blessing! I'm totally not going in after this week until the week before school starts. I have about 800 people holding me to that, so it better happen.

5. I've been working on a major project to sell on Teachers Pay Teachers. Some people actually double (or more!!) their income this way. I'm hoping to get to that point. Right now, I'm creating a HUGE math meeting powerpoint, that is designed to fill the holes that our fancy curriculums don't quite fill. Things like calendaring, time, money, and fact practice. Our program is awesome, but it's lacking a spiral review almost entirely. And the basic skills are non-existent. I guess they felt like by fourth grade, kids wouldn't need those skills? Yeah. Not the best idea ever. So I'm filling holes. I'm also working on some data folder things for TPT, and a multiplication battleship game. In order to sell well, they've got to be all cutesy, and I am DEFINITELY NOT CUTESY, so this is a challenge. But I'm trying.

So there's June. All in all, it's been a pretty good month. Just a flash-by month. Life is good.

Well, May just kind of happened.

Honestly, I look back over the last few weeks and they're pretty much a giant blur. Did I do anything? Did I even finish school?

There are times I'm not sure! Although, having started summer school, I'm pretty sure that the end of school was back there somewhere. It's hazy.

Anyway, I'm teaching summer school for the first time this year, and I'm enjoying it. It's so much fun! It's really a whole different ball game than regular session school. No pressure, no grades, just a lot of fun. I'm teaching the writing portion (figures...), so I'm trying out some things that I may want to incorporate in my writing classes this fall.

The best part is that I'm able to spend a little extra time each day prepping for the new school year. I don't have to change much in my room, so it's just little things. By the time summer school is out, I'll be completely ready for back to school! I'm not going in until the week before school starts.

This means I have plenty of time to get my Teachers Pay Teachers store up and running. I've got all these ideas for products, but haven't really had a ton of time to work on them. Last year, I was busy prepping a new classroom theme, new curriculum, and all sorts of other things that came up. None of that is happening this year, so I'm going all out on TPT.

Hold me accountable, please?!

Book Review: The Governess of Penwythe Hall

"Cornwall was in her blood, and Delia feared she’d never escape its hold.

Cornwall, England, 1811
Blamed for her husband’s death, Cordelia Greythorne fled Cornwall and accepted a governess position to begin a new life. Years later her employer’s unexpected death and his last request to watch over his five children force her to reevaluate. She can’t abandon the children now that they’ve lost both parents, but their new guardian lives at the timeworn Penwythe Hall . . . back on the Cornish coast she tries desperately to forget.

Jac Trethewey is determined to revive Penwythe Hall’s once-flourishing apple orchards, and he’ll stop at nothing to see his struggling estate profitable again. He hasn’t heard from his brother in years, so when his nieces, nephews, and their governess arrive unannounced at Penwythe Hall, he battles both grief of this brother’s death and bewilderment over this sudden responsibility. Jac’s priorities shift as the children take up residence in the ancient halls, but their secretive governess—and the mystery shrouding her past—proves to be a disruption to his carefully laid plans.Rich with family secrets, lingering danger, and the captivating allure of new love, this first book in the Cornwall Novels series introduces us to the Twethewey family and their search for peace, justice, and love on the Cornish coast."

Photo Credit: Goodreads

(Goodreads)

**I received a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.**

I jumped at the chance to read and review Sarah Ladd’s newest book. I really love her writing, and I knew this wouldn’t disappoint. I was right! Once again, Sarah put out a beautiful story with characters I loved. Her setting was breathtaking and I found myself walking to Cornish paths with Delia and Jac.

There was plenty of action to keep the pace hopping. I’m very particular about the action in a book, because I STRONGLY dislike an “and then...and then...and then” feeling. This book hit it just right. Perfect pacing and no literary whiplash. I really liked how things were resolved, and I can’t wait to return to Cornwall in the next installment.

In all, this is a super uplifting story that will appeal to clean romance fans everywhere. If you haven’t read any of Sarah’s books, I suggest that you remedy this immediately! The Governess of Penwythe Hall is an excellent place to start.

Look, we need to have a serious talk.

So this weekend has been kind of a raw one. (Note, not a BAD one. There's difference between raw and bad.) We had a beautiful discussion/council in Relief Society today about our mindsets and how we can change them. How we can combat Satan's constant whisperings that we're not enough. I had so many FEELINGS, y'all. So many. I actually took notes in church, which I literally never do. I should. I definitely should.

So the rawness actually started a couple weeks ago when I read a couple of Facebook posts from two women I respect and admire greatly. They were open and honest about what they saw as their shortcomings. They talked about their struggles to be "perfect," or at least to seem that way. I wondered how on earth women like that could have those feelings. Those are the kinds of feelings that *I* have because *I* am so imperfect. It's always seemed to me (inaccurately, let me add) that I'm just not to the 'good enough' point where I don't have to have struggles anymore.

Okay, let's address ALL THE WRONG things about that mindset.

1. Can we talk about how NO ONE is immune from struggles? 

CS Lewis said, "Life with God is not IMMUNITY from trials, but PEACE during them." (probably paraphrased, and emphasis added, but you get the picture)

I love that. It was mentioned yesterday in Time Out for Women, which I attended with my mom. SO incredibly uplifting. I've so often thought that if I could just be a little better at scripture study, or a little more fervent in my prayers, or a little more consistent at attending the temple, or or or or, then I wouldn't have the trials that I have.

That is SO FALSE. A dear sister pointed out today that we are spiritual beings having a mortal existence. A mortal existence comes with mortal trials. Our goodness doesn't dictate what those trials are going to be. My goodness shouldn't come with a side of forever single, yo. But it does. My goodness has nothing to do with my lack of a husband. It's just part of my mortal trial. It's something that's hard for me, but something I'm constantly learning how to deal with and still be happy. 

Some of my trials ARE because of my choices. I chose to not be as diligent in my exercise as I should have been when I was younger, and now it's harder for me to take up the habit. I've packed on more pounds than I'd like because of my own choices. That has nothing to do with my goodness. It has everything to do with my mortal choices. Am I paying a price? Yes, yes I am. Am I working to make better choices? Again, yes I am.


2. The idea that we have to be perfect is ridiculous. 

Okay, it's definitely ridiculous, but it's also incredibly prevalent. Women definitely suffer from it, men suffer from it, and so do children.

One thing that was said yesterday really stuck with me:

"We are all LOST and FALLEN, but we are KNOWN and LOVED INFINITELY by God."

There's got to be more power in that than in the idea that somehow I've got to be perfect in order for Him to take any interest in me. As a mortal being, I *cannot* be perfect. I cannot. I will ALWAYS make mistakes. I will ALWAYS fall short. I will ALWAYS think of things I need to do in order to be better. None of those things preclude me from God's infinite love.

When I can get that through my thick head, I feel so much better about myself and my progress. Sometimes it sticks, and sometimes it has to be ramrodded back in. Usually through a trial of some sort. #naturally

3. Shortcomings.

Ooh, this one really gets me. Like, REALLY GETS ME. 

I am SO GOOD about saying things like "this is who I am" and "I am beautiful as I am" and "I love myself for who I am" and then NOT BELIEVING ANY OF IT.

Seriously. It's like I'm constantly lying to myself about all these good things because I don't actually believe them.

Take this morning for example.

I bought a DARLING navy and white striped skirt at Time Out this weekend. I love this skirt so much. It has *gasps**horrors**sobs* HORIZONTAL STRIPES. Yes, you read that correctly. I bought a skirt (okay, TWO SKIRTS) with horizontal stripes. 

Why? Because I loved them.

BUT EMILY, GIRLS OF YOUR SIZE AND SHAPE SHOULD NOT EVER WEAR HORIZONTAL STRIPES BECAUSE FATNESS.

This is seriously my inner dialogue when it's being NICE to me.

Here's what it sounded like this morning when it wasn't being nice to me:

Me: *puts on navy horizontally striped skirt and goes to admire in the mirror*

Also Me: WHY ARE YOU WEARING HORIZONTAL STRIPES YOU FAT COW GROSS AND SICK AND VOMIT

Me: Well, I really love this skirt, and look how I paired it with a gray sweater and brown boots and isn't it just adorable?

Also Me: NO, NO IT IS NOT ADORABLE YOU GROSSNESS NOW PEOPLE WILL SEE HOW FAT YOU ARE AND ALSO GROSS AND PEOPLE AT CHURCH WILL KNOW HOW FAT YOU ARE

Me: Look, Also Me, if people at church don't already know that, they must not have very good eyesight. *throat punches Also Me and wears said skirt to church*

(Let it be known that when I got to church, here is what I actually heard: "Wow, I love that skirt on you!" "You have such great style! I wouldn't have known to pair those things!" "I think you're one of the women who SHOULD wear horizontal stripes!" Literal quotes, yo.)

Okay, humorous, but also very sad. Yes, I really do talk to myself like that. Yes, I do say the meanest possible things I could say that I would never say to any other person even if I hated them. Yes, I am verbally abusive to myself. THIS TIME, I throat punched Also Me and did what I wanted, but it doesn't always end well. Some days it ends in tears and not feeling like I'm worth even a tarnished penny.

Why?

WHY??!?!??!

It's because Satan has such a grasp on self-image. He's worked the idea that we all have to look a certain way and be a certain size into our versions of normal, so now it IS the norm. We look at ourselves, and if we aren't fitting into that vision, we don't fit at all.

How on earth is that okay? How have we let it become okay?

Guess what? My ideal self IS NOT A SIZE TWO. My ideal self DOES HAVE CURVES AND LOTS OF THEM. My ideal self WILL NEVER FIT INTO WHAT SOCIETY SAYS IT SHOULD BE.

I have to be okay with that. I have to LEARN how to be okay with that, because it's no longer innate to be okay with less than what society says is perfect. I think it was, at one point. I think when I (and all of us) was a child, it was easy to accept myself and to know that God loves me and to know that He doesn't care that my thighs will never have a fashionable gap between them. He DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THAT BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT SO MUCH MORE. Does this mean that I get a pass on taking care of myself? NO. That is not what I'm saying at all. In fact, I AM working to lose weight. I AM working to get strong and healthy. But it's because I need to do that for ME, and not because I'm trying to reach something unattainable.

God doesn't love me because of my size, or in spite of it. He just loves me because I am His child. He recognizes in me the Godly attributes that He gave me, even when I don't recognize them myself. He sees the potential in me that He gave me, even when I am not living up to it.

There's so much more to life than trying to just not live up to my perceived shortcomings.

I really want to share some of the quotations that I wrote down yesterday at Time Out. The theme was all about receiving personal revelation and hearing the Lord. I wondered if I even do that, and 26 pages of notes later, my mom said oh yes I do.

Here are some thoughts:

"I have been reserved for because I am MAGNIFICENT." (Raise your hand if you've ever really told yourself that you're magnificent. I know my hand is firmly DOWN. It shouldn't be.)

"God is in the details, even when it feels like He's not even aware."

"Look who showed up to be the pinata." (The Sistas in Zion are the literal BEST and I want to be BFFs with them. This is what they said after someone mentioned a snarky comment someone else had made to them when they arrived at an activity...you know the comments, "Oh, look who actually showed up..." You've heard them. Now I really want someone to say this to me because I know what I will say back.)

Live vertically - make your focus upwards, towards God, instead of horizontally, towards the world.

In speaking of Hagar in the Old Testament, who went into the wilderness with her son to die, "Sometimes God doesn't take away the wilderness. Sometimes He shows us the well." I love that one so much. It tells me that God isn't necessarily going to take away my trials, but He will show me a way to get through them.

As you SEEK to HEAR the voice of the Lord, TURN to the scriptures. Those are all action verbs. ACTION.

If God could help Moses, then God can help ME.

We are going to do something EXTRAORDINARY.  This was Emma Smith, speaking of the Relief Society.

STOP living beneath your privilege. This one took my breath away because I am guilty of totally living beneath my privilege. I need to knock it off and start rising up to my privilege.

Stop telling God how BIG your mountains are and start telling your mountains how BIG your God is. I love that one probably the most. No matter how big and impossible my trials may feel, they are NOT bigger than God and Jesus. They aren't.

God reveals Himself to us in our UTMOST NEEDS. In looking back over my life and my trials, I can most definitely see the hand of God in there. He really did lift me during those hardest times and He helped me get through things I didn't feel strong enough to get through.

Finally, Heavenly Father and Jesus LOVE ME, imperfect as I am.

Motivation

Ah, motivation. I sometimes wonder why that's even a word, because I seem to not really know what it means.

Honestly.

That's got to change though, because I'm learning that lack of motivation is REALLY unhealthy. I've been so stressed out and tired (read: exhausted) for SO LONG that I've lost all my motivation for pretty much anything. Sadly, that included regular exercise. I think the last time I took care of myself with any regularity was 6 years ago. SIX. YEARS.

That's a long time to be cruel to yourself.

No more.

NO MORE!!!

I'm taking back control, and looking for my motivation. Right now, that's in the form of my teacher bestie, Nikki. We decided that we were going to do this together and do it right. Both of us are the kind of people that when we get home, we are HOME. None of this go out and do other things junk. Nope, we're homebodies. So we chose to work out after school, in my classroom. We both really like Zumba, so that's what we're doing. (Coincidentally, it's also literally the only form of exercise that I've ever actually loved, and that's ever actually worked.) We just bring workout clothes, change in the bathroom, and then work out. So far, we're two for two, even though we BOTH tried to come up with an excuse to not have to do it today. But we persevered! We did it! I'm really proud of us, because this is kind of a milestone.

It helps me so much to have a buddy for things like this. A buddy to actually work out with, and a buddy to help me stay motivated to do the workouts. I can't wait to see where this takes us! (I'm guessing it's going to be into my skinny clothes box that's been sitting in my closet for the last 6 years...bring on those clothes!!)